Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[vabuckeye]

I Think You're The father Of One Of My Kids



A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at

him. He waves back and says hello.

He's rather taken a back because he can't place exactly where he knows

her.

So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the

father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful

to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor

party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching

while your friend whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

[rewell6]

Borrowed from another forum.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics
correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had a fatal
accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

[rewell6]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5 day/10 lb. Weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a
voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but pair of
Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads: "If you can catch me, you can have me." Without a second
thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing,
he finally catches her and has his way with her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost
10lb. As promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 lb program. The next
day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,
Beautiful and sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign round her
neck that reads: "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the
door after her like a shot!

This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her;
but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze,
so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to his
delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has
lost another 20lb.
As promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50
lb program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - "This is our most
rigorous program."

Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next
day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge,
muscular, 7ft bloke standing there wearing nothing but pink running
shoes and a sign around his neck that reads: "I'm Nigel . If I catch
you, you're mine..."

[ebs001]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. "God
Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret. The Nun said, "Very good" and
continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?"

But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to h er rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.
"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,
"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Mary Margaret jumped up
and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The nun fainted...........AMEN........THE END

[Raggbagger]

Penguin walks into a bar and sez to the bartender "have you seen my Dad ?" Bartender sez " well what's He look like ?"

[ebs001]

A 3 legged dog walks into a bar. The bartender says "how can I help you stranger" The dog replies, "I'm looking for the guy who shot my pa".

[duffer1960]

What's green, lives in a swamp, and is dangerous?

A frog with a hand grenade!

[uspirate]

Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was parading in front of the wardrobe mirror dressed in my underwear and high-heel shoes, and he was wearing my makeup. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he had dressed in my lingerie because he couldn't find his own underwear. But when I asked him about the makeup, he broke down and admitted that he'd been wearing my clothes for six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him.
He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?
Sincerely, Mrs. Sheila Lusk
--------------------
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter

[camaraderie]

Giu checks into a hotel on a business trip to South Dakota and was a bit lonely. He
thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when
you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel
and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl,
bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right
places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to
her..... you know the kind. He copied down the phone number and returned
to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her
a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room
and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town
all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot,
and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it,
we'll do it.
Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me
in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how
does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic, but for an outside line you need to
press 9".

[uspirate]

"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL-QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. However, we are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty.
And after all, it is just a sign...
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?


Answer: A Funeral Home
(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)