Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[7Psych]

An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France ..."

[werebeagle]

Musical Definitions

Obbligato - being forced to practice
Con Moto - yeah baby, I have a car
Allegro - a little car
Metronome - short, city musician who can fit into a Honda Civic
Lento - the days leading up to Easto
Largo - beer brewed in Germany or the Florida Keys
Piu Animato - clean out the cat's litter box
Con Spirito - drunk again
Colla Voce - this shirt is so tight I can't sing
Improvisation - what you do when the music falls down
Prelude - warm-up before the clever stuff
Flats - English apartments
Chords - things organists play with one finger
Discords - thing that organists play with two fingers
Suspended Chords - useful for lynching the vocalist
Time Signatures - things for drummers to ignore
Melody - an ancient, now almost extinct art in songwriting
Klavierstuck - A term used by German furniture movers attempting to get a piano through a narrow doorway.
Music Stand - An intricate device used to hold music. Comes in two sizes- too high or too low - always broken.
Tonic - A medicinal drink consumed in great quantity before a performance, and in greater quantity afterwards.
Dominant - What parents must be if they expect their children to practice.
Concert Hall - A place where large audiences gather, for the sole purpose of removing paper wrappings from candy and gum.
Soto Voce - singing while drunk
Agogic - playing high enough on an oboe to make the eyes bulge.
Cadenza - slapping noise on office furniture
Fandango - grabbing the pull chain on the ceiling fan
Prima Volta - jump start with a battery
Refrain - proper technique for playing bagpipes
Smorzando - with melted chocolate and marshmallow

[garymcg]

A new housing development breaks ground across from an existing neighborhood, in this neighborhood lives a family with a little 5 year old blond girl. The girl asks her mom if she can go over and watch the men build a house and her mom says yes.

Well the little girl goes over to the constructions site and she's adorable, the workers just fall in love with her. They give her jobs to do all day, get their drinks, nails, etc. When she goes home at the end of the day she's wearing a little hardhat and toolbelt that the construction workers have rustled up for her, tells her mom she had fun and that she wants to go there every day. Her mom says OK.

So the little girl goes to the construction site every day that week, when she comes home on Friday she has $20.00 in a pay envelope. Her mom asks her if she had fun, the little girl says she did. Her mom asks if she's going to go back on Monday to help the men some more, and the little girl says "Yeah, if those coc*&^&*ers at the lumberyard get us our f*)^(ing material on time!"

[TSteele65]

The Queen and the Pope are on the balcony at Buckingham Palace, celebrating an historic accord between the Church of England and the Vatican. Below them are millions of people, cheering and waving.

The Queen says to the Pope "with a wave of my hand, I can get every Protestant in this crowd to cheer even louder", so the Pope says "let's see it".

With a wave of her hand, the crowd below starts cheering louder, even singing praises to the Queen. The Queen turns to the Pope and says "can you top that?"

The Pope tells the Queen that with a single movement of his hand, he can get every Catholic in the crowd to weep with joy, and that they will remember this day for generations to come; songs will be written and schoolchildren will be taught the historical significance of his simple gesture. The Queen says that she has to see this.

So the Pope slaps her.

[camaraderie]

Stress Management Technique In case you are having a rough day, here is a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological journals. The funny thing is that it really does work and will make you smile.

1. Picture yourself lying on your belly on a warm rock that hangs out over a crystal clear stream.

2. Picture yourself with both your hands dangling in the cool running water.

3. Birds are sweetly singing in the cool mountain air.

4. No one knows your secret place.

5. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called the world.

6. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

7. The water is so crystal clear that you can easily make out the face of the person you are holding underwater.

See? It really does work. You're smiling already.

[uspirate]

[CosmosMariner]

A duck hunter gets his shotgun and his Lab and goes out to hunt ducks.

On his way to the marsh he passes a pub and decides to go in and have a drink to warm himself against the cold and damp morning.

As he sits at the bar and orders a drink the bartender says, "I'm sorry sir the dog must remain outside."

"Not a problem," he says and pats the dog on the head saying, "Go outside, and let me know if you see any ducks". The dog trots out through the swinging door of the pub.

"That's a well trained dog," says the bartender as he serves the man his drink.

In a few minutes the door swings open and the dog enters, trots up to the bar and puts one paw on the bar.

"What's he doing?" the bartender asks.

"He says there's a duck outside, excuse me" says the hunter as he takes his shotgun and follows the dog outside.

The bartender hears a shot and the hunter returns with the dog and holding a duck. The hunter pats the dog on the head and tells the dog to go outside and let him know if he sees any more ducks. The dog trots out the door.

"That's amazing, let me buy you a drink," says the bartender.

In a few minutes the door opens and again the dog enters, trots up to the bar and puts two paws on the bar.

"What's he saying now?" the bartender asks.

"He says there's two ducks outside, excuse me" says the hunter as he takes his shotgun and follows the dog outside.

The bartender hears two shots and the hunter returns with the dog and holding two ducks. The hunter pats the dog on the head and tells the dog to go outside and let him know if he sees any more ducks. The dog trots out the door.

"That's truly amazing, let me buy you another drink," says the bartender.

A few minutes pass when the door slams open so hard it falls off the hinges, in bounds the dog with a stick in its mouth. The dog jumps up on the bar and starts humping the bar and shaking the stick wildly.

"What's he saying, what's he saying?" yells the bartender.

"He says there's more f***in' ducks than you can shake a stick at!!!"

[camaraderie]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50."

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."


Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.


He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."



They were on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."


He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"

The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"

"I promise I won't, " she says.


"I was behind you in McDonald's."

[camaraderie]

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or Southern? Here is a little test that will help you decide

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock 40cal, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Southerner's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....
(sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?"
Son: "You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?"
Wife: "You are not taking that to the taxidermist."

[AjariBonten]

That's funny Cam, I JUST got that in an email not 5 minutes ago from my mum.