Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[Giulietta]

Cam was in a swimming pool alone with another person, a very elegant old lady...

They are lying in the stretchers and Cam noticed she was looking at him...

Cam gets up, trows the robe down, proudly adjusts "the fruit" well tucked in his speedos, inflates his chest with air and proceeeds to climb the tallest diving board ladder....

He gets to the very top, sets his feet on the edge of the board...opens his arms in a "Christ" position....infalets his chest fully and screams to the lady...

Cam - " Lady....what do I look like to you from this high?????"

Lady - "Ohhh my....you like an Eagle...dear Sir !!!!"

Cam - "Why??? because of my proud posture and poise???"

Lady - " NO, BECAUSE YOUR TOE NAILS LOOK LIKE CLAWS !!!"

[CapnHand]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . .. . . .



'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

[ibrick]

The Pickle Slicer

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help.

After six months, his therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day, he came home from work very early. His wife, Sarah, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today, he finally went ahead and did it and was immediately fired from his job. Sarah gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and boxer shorts only to find a normal,
completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel tearfully replied, "I think she got fired, too."

[sailaway21]

An 80 year old man went in for his annual physical. At the conclusion he asked his doctor for some Viagra. The doc said he was in fine shape and that he'd write him a prescription. The old-timer said to make it out for a thousand pills. The doc proclaimed that the pills were rather expensive to which the codger replied, "ok, make it for five hundred". The doctor then proceeded to attempt to explain that there were some known long term side-effects to taking Viagra. The octogenarian replied, "I'm eighty years old, WHAT long term side-effects?"

[sailortjk1]

A patient goes in to see his Doctor,
"Doc, I have this terrible problem. My penis is turning orange."
"Orange? My that is strange, lets take a look."
After examining the man's penis the Doctor says, "I see what you mean. It is turning orange. Is it possible that you have been exposed to some dangerous chemicals while you were at work?"
"Oh I don't work," replies the man.
"I just sit at home all day watching porn and eating Cheetos."

[camaraderie]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many len gthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and a gain until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before t hat t he president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied,
'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

[Sailormann]

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Purina at Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her. Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid lady...why else would I buy dog food??

[Sailormann]

I have successfully followed this recipe on one or two occasions.
Please read the entire recipe before you start to make it.

The Best Fruit Cake Ever Ingredients

1 Cup Butter
1 Cup Sugar
4 Large Eggs
1 Cup Dried Fruit
1 Teaspoon Baking Powder
1 Teaspoon Baking Soda
1 Tablespoon Lemon Juice
1 Cup Brown Sugar
1 Cup Nuts
1 or 2 quarts of Aged Whiskey

Before you start, sample the whiskey to check for quality. Good, ain't it ?

Now go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the
Whiskey again as it must be just right. To be sure the whiskey is of the
highest quality, pour 1 level cup into a glass and drink it as fast as you
can.

Repeat.

With an eclectic mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add 1 tespoon of sugar and beat the hell out of it again. Meanwhile, at
This parsnicular point in time, wake sure that the whixey hasn't gone bad
While you weren't lookin'. Open second quart if nestessary.

Add 2 large leggs, 2 cups fired druit an beat til high. If druit gets
shtuck in peaters, just pry the monsters loosh with a drewscriver.

Example the whikstey again, shecking confistancy, then shitf 2 cups of salt
or destergent or whatever, like anyone gives a schit.

Chample the whitchey shum more.

Shitf in shum lemon zhoosh. Fold in chopped sputter and shrained nuts. Add
100 babblespooons of brown booger or whushever's closhest and mix well.

Greash ubben and tun the caky pan to 350 decrees. Now pour the whole mesh
into the washin' machine and set on sinsh shycle.

Chec dat whixney wunsh more and pash out.

[7Psych]

If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly.....
Deer Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy

all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How

about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell I'm giving your

older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.

Santa

********************** *******************************

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is

peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they

Santa

************************************************** **

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my

mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love,

Teddy

Dear Teddy,

Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a

hurricane.

Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom,

who rides his ass constantly It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you

some Legos instead. Santa

************************************************** **

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog,

a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays I bet you're gay. I'll set

you up with a Barbie. Santa

************************************************** **

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots

for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face

when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor Leave me a bottle of

Scotch.

Santa

************************************************** **

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year Are you busy making

toys

Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I

spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself

silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the

craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

************************************************** **

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're

awake, like in the song Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,

Are you really that gullible Good luck in whatever you do. I'm

skipping your house. Santa

************************************************** **

Dear Santa,

I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,

PLEASE could I have one Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,

That whiney begging **** may work with your folks, but that crap

doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.

Santa

************************************************** **

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home Love,

Marky

Dear Mark,

First stop callling yourself 'Marky', that's why you're getting your ass

whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a

low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the

boogeyman does, through your bedroom window.

Sweet dreams, Santa

[Freesail99]

My sister sent me this, I was crying reading it, enjoy.



CHILI COOK OFF

If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Apparently, this is
an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI .. 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge . 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge .. 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge .. 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI . 2 - ARIAL AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge .. 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge .. 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI .. 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge .. 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge .. 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, and now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh-t faced from all of the beer.

CHILI .. 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge .. 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge .. 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge .. 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI .. 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge .. 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge .. 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge .. 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

CHILI .. 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge .. 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge .. 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb

Judge .. 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI .. 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge .. 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge .. 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge .. 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge .. 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI .. 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge . 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge .. 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge .3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge .. 3 - No Report