Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[uspirate]

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests." Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"

[Valiente]

Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says, "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue." "Why blue?" Putin asks. "Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."

[uspirate]

A crusty old sailor, just back from a long passage in the blue walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads: CHEESEBURGER: $ 1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $ 2.50
HAND-JOB: $ 100.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of fishermen.
"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering," whispers the old sailor, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes," she purrs, "I am."
The old sailor replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger!"

[uspirate]

Merry Christmas !

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there? The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases - each like a different type of tree. In his twenties, he is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration!"

[sailortjk1]

Subject: CHICAGO LINGO



1. Grachki (grach'-key): Chicagoese for "garage key" as in,
"Yo, Theresa, waja do wit da grachki? Howmy supposta cut
da grass if I don't git intada grach?"

2. Uptadaendada (up-ta-da-en'-dada): As in, "Joey, you kin ride
yur bike uptadaendada alley but not acrost or I'll bust yur butt."

3. Sammich: Chicagoese for sandwich.? When made with sausage,
it's a sassage sammich; when made with shredded beef, it's an
Italian Beef sammich, a local delicacy consisting of piles of
spicy meat in a perilously soggy bun.

4. Da: This article is a key part of Chicago speech, as in "Da
Bears" or "Da Mare" -- the latter denoting Richard M. Daley,
or Richie, as he's often called.

5. Jewels: Not family heirlooms or a tender body region, but a
popular name for one of the region's dominant grocery store
chains. "I'm goin' to da Jewels to pick up some sassage."

6.Field's: Marshall Field, a prominent Chicago department store. Also Carson Pirie Scott, another major department store chain,
is simply called "Carson's."

7. Tree: The number between two and four.? "We were lucky dat we
only got tree inches of snow da udder night."

8. Prairie: A vacant lot, especially one on which weeds are growing.

9. Over by dere: Translates to "over by there," a way of emphasizing a site presumed familiar to the listener. As in, "I got the sassage at da Jewels down on Kedzie, over by dere."

10. KaminskiPark: The mispronounced name of the ballpark where the Chicago White Sox (da Sox) play baseball. Comiskey Park was recently renamed U.S. Cellular Field (yuck!).

11. Frunchroom: As in, "Getottada frunchroom wit dose muddy shoes."
It's not the "parlor." It's not the "living room." In the land of the bungalow, it's the "frunchroom," a named derived, linguists believe, from "front room."

12. Use: Not the verb, but the plural pronoun "you." "Where's use
goin'?"

13. Downtown: Anywhere near The Lake, south of The Zoo (Lincoln Park
Zoo) and north of Soldier Field.

14.The Lake: Lake Michigan.? (What other lake is there?)? It's often
used by local weathermen, "cooler by The Lake."

15. BoysTown: A section on Halsted between Belmont and Addison which
is lined with gay bars both sides of the street. "Didn't I see use
in BoysTown in front of da Manhole?"

16. Braht: Short for Bratwurst. "Gimme a braht wit kraut."

17. Cashbox: Traffic reporter slang for tollbooths. "Dere's a delay at da cashbox on da Skyway."

18. Goes: Past or present tense of the verb "say." For example, "Then he goes, 'I like this place'!"

19. Guys: Used when addressing two or more people, regardless of each
individual's gender.

20.Pop: A soft drink.Don't say "soda" in this town. "Do ya wanna
canna pop?"

21. Sliders:Nickname for hamburgers from White Castle, a popular
Midwestern burger chain.? "Dose sliders I had last night gave me
da runs."

22. The Taste: The Taste of Chicago Festival, a huge extravaganza
in Grant Park featuring samples of Chicagoland cuisine which takes
place each year around the Fourth of July holiday.

23. "Jieetyet?": Translates to, "Did you eat yet?"

24. Winter and Construction:? Punch line to the joke, "What are the
two seasons in Chicago?"

25. Cuppa Too-Tree is Chicagoese for "a couple, two, three" which
really means "a few."? For example, "Hey Mike, dere any beerz left
in da cooler over by dere?" "Yeh, a cuppa too-tree."

26. 588-2300: Everyone in Chicago knows this commercial jingle and
the carpet company you'll get if you call that number -- Empire!

27. Junk Djor: You will usually find the 'junk drawer' in the kitchen
filled to the brim with miscellaneous, but very important, junk.

28. Southern Illinois:Anything south of I-80.

29. Expressways: The Interstates in the immediate Chicagoland
area are usually known just by their 'name' and not their
Interstate number:? the Dan Ryan ("the Ryan"), the Stevenson,
the Kennedy, the Eisenhower (the "Ike"), and the Edens.

30.Gym Shoes: The rest of the country may refer to them as sneakers
or running shoes but Chicagoans will always call them gym shoes.

[jerryrlitton]

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."

[camaraderie]

A Canuck was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Twenty dollars...'she whispers.

He'd never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell,it's only twenty bucks.

So they hide in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light Flashes on them.

It's a police officer.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.

'I'm making love to me wife,' the Canuck answers Indignantly.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!'

[camaraderie]

NEVER SAY TO A COP

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas )
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. T he last officer only gave ! me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[uspirate]

A lady walks into a high class jewelry shop. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"
He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to $hit when I tell you the price."

[camaraderie]

HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on
the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the
Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will
tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696 96.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before
the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term
memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy
to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie
down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.