Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[wench]

A jumper cable walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Well, okay, I'll get you a beer--but don't you start anything."

[poopdeckpappy]

Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)


P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Giulietta]

PDP...without wanting to be rude...you justy posted my joke from 3 days ago..
Now...please go tell your co-workers to stop sending you stuff they read on sailnet ehhehehehehehe

[werebeagle]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response .

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

(I just love this)
" Ralph , for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!"

[donrr1]

A man walks along the beach pondering his recent divorce when he stumbles upon, you guessed it, a majic lamp. He picks it up and dusts it off and out pops a genie ready to grant three wishes. The genie says to the guy, look, it's been sooo long since the last person found me I'll give you what you wish for and your wife twice what you wish for! Then you can live happily ever after.

The guys says, I just got divorced!!! Then he thinks, ta heck with it, I'll still get what I want. So his first wish is for 1 million cash. POOF, there's a million in cash at his feet. He then hears this distance sounding poof poof. He looks at the genie and says, don't tell me that's the ex getting 2 million, the genie nods his head. That stinkin..... OK OK, I always wanted a Mercedes, POOF, there's a Mercedes right in front of him. Then.... poof poof. That just ain't right yells the guy. I'll be damned (he's so pissed off he's ready to explode at this point). Allright, Allright he goes, this is my last wish right?? The genie nods his head. Give me time, the guys blurts out. Just a minute! I got it!!!! OK genie, I want you to beat me half to death...

Don

[tdw]

Did you hear that Castro's son has defected to the USA ? I heard about it yesterday in the Yacht Racing News. It appears he's a mad keen sailor and has just had his entry into the NewYork Yacht Club approved. If you are interested in reading further, the article appears under this headline.

Reds Sons in the Sailset.

[poopdeckpappy]

Originally Posted by Giulietta

PDP...without wanting to be rude...you justy posted my joke from 3 days ago..
Now...please go tell your co-workers to stop sending you stuff they read on sailnet ehhehehehehehe

LMAO, I thought I heard it before

[sailaway21]

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?




Nothing she hasn't heard at least twice before.

[Giulietta]

A big heavy set housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Mike! I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!"
He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."

[poopdeckpappy]

An old, retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more for old time's sake. He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, asks "How am I doing Darlin?"

The prostitute replies, "Well old sailor, you're doing about three knots."

"Three knots?" he asks, "What's that supposed to mean?"

She replies, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back."

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