Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[uspirate]

Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear. 'What's the matter?' Jack asked.
'I've been transferred to New Orleans ; there's crazy people there. They've got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and the highest crime rate.'
Jack replied, 'I've lived in New Orleans all my life. It's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a nice private school. It's as safe a place as anywhere in the world.'
The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, 'Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death. But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take your word for it. What do you do for a living?'
'Me?' said Jack. 'I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck.'

[Slipkiller2]

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

[Slipkiller2]

An Italian scientist is doing an experiment on Frog Jumping. He puts down a perfectly normal frog, and says jump, and the frog jumps 4 feet.

He writes down: frog with 4 legs jumps 4 feet. He then cuts off one of the frog's legs, puts him back down, and says jump. The frog jumps 3 1/2 feet.

He writes down: frog with 3 legs jumps 3.5 feet. He then cuts a second leg, puts the frog back down, and says jump. The frog jumps 2 feet.

He writes down: frog with 2 legs jumps 2 feet. He cuts off the third leg, puts the frog down, and says jump. The frog jumps 1 foot.

He writes down frog with 1 leg jumps 1 foot. He then cuts off the last of the frog's legs, puts him down, and says jump. The frog does nothing. Again, the scientist says jump. Still nothing. One more time....the frog is just sitting there.

He writes down: frog with no legs goes deaf.

[uspirate]

Ever wonder why women blame men for everything?
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist
When they have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.

[uspirate]

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should ave mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex,” she said.
The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing. After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver’s seat looking out the window.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the girl.
“Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.”

[Freesail99]

Please join us in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community....

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The gravesite was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very 'smart cookie wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model by millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

[2Gringos]

Irish jokes, blonde jokes, an Italian scientist joke.....don't you guys realize how politically incorrect this stuff is? You could friggen OFFEND somebody!!

Next thing you know, someone is gonna ask "what do you get when you cross a Puerto Rican with an Asian....."

And some smartass will say " a car thief who can't drive."

[camaraderie]

I thought the answer to that one is "Someone who presses #2 when ordering takeout! "

[artbyjody]

Originally Posted by 2Gringos

"what do you get when you cross a Puerto Rican with an Asian....."

And some smartass will say " a car thief who can't drive."

You'll get someone that can drive you 5 hours where it would take 3 minutes, a child that can speak 4 languages, and heartburn in two languages while one can steal your job and the other your tourist dollar...

I'd be a proud parent

[2Gringos]

Know the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?



Sometimes, you can negotiate with a terrorist.