Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[phallo153]

Spanish speakers only will get this; and I'm not prejudiced towards Dominicans, it was told to me by a Puerto Rican

A Dominican walked up to a soda machine that cost 60 Cents.

He put in two quarters, pushed the button, and waited.

The soda machine flashed "DIME".

"Una coca-cola, por favor".

[ebs001]

Phallo, does this joke have an English expanation?

[camaraderie]

Last night my wife and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my beer!

[camaraderie]

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs.. Butterworth, Hungry Jack,the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions. Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

[US27inKS]

A man walks into a bar carrying a tiny grand piano. He sets the piano on the bar, and takes a tiny man out of his jacket pocket. The tiny man sits down at the piano and starts playing. The bartender saw this and was amazed. The bartender asked the man where he got the tiny man to play the tiny piano. The man pulled a majic lamp from his other jacket pocket, handed it to the bartender and told him to rub the lamp. The bartender rubbed the lamp, and a genie popped out. The bartender immediately said "Give me a million bucks". The next thing he knew a million ducks descended on his bar. The bartender asked the man "what happened?" The man replied "The genie is a little hard of hearing. You didn't really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist did you?"

[copacabana]

This old lady walks into the Doctor's office and says, "Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with farting. It's not really a social problem, because you can't smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you." The Doctor nods his head and says, "Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me." The old lady comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says "What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You still can't hear them, but now they smell horrible!" The Doctor again nods his head and says, "Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."

[phallo153]

Originally Posted by ebs001

Phallo, does this joke have an English expanation?

"Dime" (dee-mey) is Spanish for "tell me".

[sailortjk1]

A man riding his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking: the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think
of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?'

[fatcam]

Q: How do you know when a farmer is an expert?
A: When he is outstanding in his field.

Did you hear about the two silk worms who had a race? It ended in a tie.

No matter how hard you push the envelope, it will remain stationery.

A father and son were working in the yard when the father ran over the family cat's tail with the lawnmower. The son immediately picked up the cat and the severed tail and told his dad they had to get to Wal-Mart fast. When the father asked why Wal-Mart and not the vet the son told him that Wal-Mart is the world's largest retailer.


(what can I say, I teach middle school...my kids don't think I'm funny either)

[Freesail99]

Grandma's letter.

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a honk if you
love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I
had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous
prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did, what
an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy
intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I
didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else
loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

Ifound that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy
behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and
screamed,' For the love of God! ' ¡Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an
exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and
smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share
in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling
something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with
only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson
in the back seat what that meant. He
said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave
him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he
was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got
out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet
they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I
noticed the light had changed. So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters
grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only
car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt
kind of sad that I had to leave them after all
the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian
good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such
wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love,

Grandma