Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[knothead]

And the #1 reason not to drink with "friends"...

[camaraderie]

I didn't know CD smoked!!

[tonic]

How do you keep a sailor from getting seasick put a quarter between his teeth and lean him over the windward rail.

[xort]

Originally Posted by knothead

And the #1 reason not to drink with "friends"...

Who would actually spend the time hovered over this guys ass doing this artwork? I hope he had gas!

[camaraderie]

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired, 'Where have you been?' God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,' Look, Michael. Look what I've made.' Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, 'What is it?' 'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance.' 'Balance?' inquired Michael, 'I'm still confused.' God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. 'For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe will be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.' God continued pointing to different countries. 'This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.' The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, 'What's that one?' 'That's Washington State, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of software.' Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, 'But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.' God smiled 'There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.'

[sailingdog]

It could be a girl's ass...

Originally Posted by xort

Who would actually spend the time hovered over this guys ass doing this artwork? I hope he had gas!

[uspirate]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.'

[werebeagle]

Which reminds me, before email, there were three major forms of communication. Telephone, Telegraph, and tell a woman.

[werebeagle]

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past, looks up and says:

"Hey Koala, what are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint.
Come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up, sits next to the koala
and they enjoy a large doobie.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this, swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side then asks the little lizard:

"What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to see this, and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting, with yet another joint.

He looks up and says "Hey you!"

The koala looks down at him and says...

"Dude.......How much water did you drink?"

[N0NJY]

+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~+~++~
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... so, I took her to a gas station.....

And then the fight started....
************************************************** *******
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $10.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started.
************************************************** **********************
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She s aid, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** *********************
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started.....