Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[MIKEMCKEE]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 Cuckoos (MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

[Bene505]

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

[philsboat]

It's an ill whore that blows no one good.

unsigned

[Giulietta]

Sailaway went sailing......

Can't beat that as a joke....

[MIKEMCKEE]

:LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN.........

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said,
"That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not
fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I
was fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I
wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no
way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits
are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher cried.

[MIKEMCKEE]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one
of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.


The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve
your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.


Oh no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands
together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to
help.


She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and
put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,
'How does that feel'?


He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

[MIKEMCKEE]

Dirty things that can only be said on Thanksgiving...

01. Talk about a huge breast

02. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist

03. It's Cool Whip time

04. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst

05. That's one terrific spread

06. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat

07. Are you ready for seconds yet

08. Its a little dry, do you still want to eat it

09. Just wait your turn, you'll get some

10. Don't play with your meat

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

[MIKEMCKEE]

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was Educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the Money back.... same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64.

They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said 'buy one-get one free.' 'They're already buy-one-get-one-free,' she said, 'so I guess they're both free'. She Handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.

They Walk Among Us!

One day I was walking down the beach with some Friends when one of them shouted, 'Look at that dead bird!'. Someone looked up at the sky and said, 'Where'?

They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real Estate agent which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the North?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh I don't keep up with all that stuff.'

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?'

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man Ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked Him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'




They Walk Among Us

At a southern fast food restaurant, I ordered a hamburger and French fries . The young lady taking orders informed that they had no hamburgers or French fries. I replied that the other cutomers were being served hamburgers and French fries. She looked at me quizzedly and replied 'those are BURGERS AND FRIES!'

They Walk Among Us, and they Reproduce, and Worst of all ....... THEY VOTE

[MIKEMCKEE]

A very tired nurse walks into a bank,

Totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check,

She pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse

And tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake,

She looks at the flabbergasted teller

And without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's great....that's just great....

Some a**hole's got my pen!'

[camaraderie]

....excellent Mike!