Jokes of the day...keep it clean!

[MIKEMCKEE]

The Good Husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight.

I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son ... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT ... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time:
PRICELESS !

[lynn1120]

I was talking to a friend's little girl, and when I asked her what she wanted to do when she grew up, she said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.



Both of her parents, Social Liberals, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were Prime Minister what would be the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'



'Wow - what a worthy goal,' I told her.

'You don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where that homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.'



She thought that over for a few seconds because she's only 6. And while her mother glared at me, the little girl looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work and you can just pay him the $50?'



And I said, 'Welcome to the Conservative Party.' Her folks still aren't talking to me.

[knothead]

83. A Joke About a Nose

"Stand with your nose facing the sun and your mouth
open, and you’ll show the hours to all who pass by."



A man with a big nose would make an excellent sundial. He
must open his mouth so his teeth can provide the hourmarkings.
This little squib (Greek Anthology 11.418) is attributed
to the emperor Trajan, of all people. Whoever wrote it
seems to have botched it at one point: ῥίνα, “nose” should
have a long iota, but only scans if it is short here. Various
possible solutions to the textual problem are outlined by
Gideon Nisbet in Greek Epigram in the Roman Empire: Martial’s
Forgotten Rivals (Oxford, 2002), 196 n 30.

From http://www.curculio.org/Ioci/january.pdf


Those ancient guys really crack me up.

[mrwuffles]

this is apparently the worlds funniest joke you tell me

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"

[bubb2]

With all the Lawyer talk on the boards lately I thought I would share.

Did you hear that the medical labs are going to replace the lab mice with Lawyers. Yes, there are more lawyers than mice and the lab technicians do not get nearly as attached to them.

[sailingdog]

And fewer ethical guidelines protecting them from abuse... I've heard of PETA, but have you seen one that advocates protecting lawyers???

Originally Posted by bubb2

With all the Lawyer talk on the boards lately I thought I would share.

Did you hear that the medical labs are going to replace the lab mice with Lawyers. Yes, there are more lawyers than mice and the lab technicians do not get nearly as attached to them.

[camaraderie]

Subject: BLOND IN THE SNOW
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility Was almost zero when the little blond got off work. She made her Way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She Sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught In a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to
follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.

The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she Had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine And told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears
next.

[MIKEMCKEE]

RAISIN Bread"
A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread
behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the
raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.

"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the
very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent
view, just as he surmised he would.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having
company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what
was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to
enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty
soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below.
She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her.

Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man,

"Is it raisin for you too?

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quivering'!!!

[MIKEMCKEE]

REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.
We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost!


Merry Christmas!!!!

[MIKEMCKEE]

Sometimes it pays to be old


No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."