Divorce

[sailaway21]

Does anyone think that the laws in the US are actually exacerbating the divorce rates in the country? The laws, in most states, were changed in the 1960s to "no fault" status. I'm wondering if it isn't about time to revisit that philosophy.

[PBzeer]

While the laws have certainly made it easier, I think it's more a breakdown of the social fabric and the inevitable result of the "Me Generation's" preoccupation with self and the sense of rebellion of the '60's. And just for good measure, there's the instant gratification syndrome that arose from that to further enforce the inherent abandonment of responsibility that comes with the other outgrowths of that time, ie: feminism, destigmatizing of immoral behavior, greed, etc.

[Guesser]

I don't believe the law had anything to do with my marriage falling apart, but it certainly saved me a lot a time and effort when I finally decided to leave the the b#*ch. I'm just kidding, she's a lovely women....seriously, at the time I would have been hard pressed to find a real "fault" or a justifiable cause to file, but there was no doubt that the marriage needed to end. I was thankful for the simple, no fault escape route and both of us are much happier now.

[PBzeer]

It's a double edged sword. The easier it is to get out, the less the concern getting in.

[sailingdog]

Unfortunately, the committment that marriage is supposed to be is ignored by most younger people today. It isn't supposed to be easy—choosing to spend your life with someone is not going to be... they are going to have many differences from you and those differences are what make it both so interesting and so challenging. They change relationships like some people change suits.

If you can't make the committment that marriage requires... don't get married. I understand the commitment marriage takes as I was married, and would still be if I had any choice in the matter. I am not divorced. I am a widower. If I had to do it all over again, knowing I'd still lose her in the end, I would. Every moment I got to spend with her was worth it.

[Valiente]

The other side of the coin is that maybe we should acknowledge that marriage historically was about combining property and legitimizing children during that long stretch of history in which most people didn't see 40 years of age, and 65 was prodigiously old. 14 year old parents were common, because you got on breeding as soon as possible. Monogamy was a sanctioned expediency because no one lived long enough to "stray"...and getting fed trumped getting bored.

Maybe 50 years with the same person is what's cruel and unusual. Maybe we are hard-wired as animals to enjoy multiple partners and less-binding ties. If we agree that supporting our offspring is the critical bit, does it matter who we are sleeping with?

Robert Heinlein figured all this out some time ago with his concept of "Group Marriage" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Group_marriage , although he was by no means the first, but he provided fictional treatments showing how extended family units might work. More thoughtful than the "communes" of the '60s, his conceptions are worth examining, and are predicated not on biblical inheritance laws (and most of the biblical guys had as many wives as they could trade livestock for!) but on self-interest, a sense of belonging, and a rational approach, if that makes sense, to happiness. These days, many people would like to experience the attachments of marriage, but don't personally want children of their own...the legitimacy of which (tied into property and inheritance) was the main reason to get married until 1900 or so.

Maybe the reason so many marriages fail is not due to some pervading shallowness of modern, spoiled, short-attention-spanned individuals, but is a simple acknowledgement that marriage itself has some unworkable aspects to it for most people. I admire long-lived marriages, but I don't see them as the ideal, because I think that it is rare. I also think that some people stay married out of habit, not because they are happy or even in love.

Maybe we can take a lesson from the Celts, who found the yearly "handfasting" a reasonable approach: an annual contract to pledge troth, but it had to be renewed by both parties anew each year to remain in effect.

[tdw]

As far as all this is concerned my thought is not that divorce being easy is the answer, rather that it should be harder for people to get married in the first place.

I don't mean that in a legal sense but rather through education. Far to much crap in society that encourages people to go through the whole rigmarole just so they can pop out ever more children and/or satisfy a family's urge for it's members to do the "right thing".

More education in birth control could also see a reduction in what were once called shotgun weddings. Hopefully such a programme would also see a reduction in unwanted pregnancies. For the life of me I cannot figure out how anyone gets pregnant these days unless it is planned.

Making it harder for people in failed relationships to get a divorce is to me a silly idea. Physical and mental abuse within a bad marriage is the likely result of forcing two people who dislike each other to continue to live together.

Speaking personally as someone from a "broken home" I'm quite content with my lot. My life has almost certainly been better for not having my father around even though growing up in the 50s in a single parent household was not the easiest of existences.

[TrueBlue]

TD,
Although I'm still married to my one and only wife after over 30 years - and intend to keep it that way, you just summarized my views and personal experiences in your post.

I too was born & raised in the '50s, only to suffer the consequences of a broken parent marriage at the tender age of 8. I like to think that I used these early life lessons as barter in fullfilling my wedding vows.

[tdw]

TB,
Thanks for that. Me and the Wombat Ms have been together for around 25 years now. We decided early on that children were not for us and so decided that marriage as such was hardly necessary. We have stayed together for two reasons I guess. One I love her and two she keeps forgetting to change the locks.

[PBzeer]

tdw - excellent point about it should be harder to get married in the first place. Prevention is always better than the cure. If I get real motivated, I'll go into my point a bit further, as it is basically similar to what you're saying, but from a somewhat different angle.