I want to be a pilot...

[jerryrlitton]

WHY I WANT TO BE A PILOT

When I grow up I want to be a pilot because it's a fun job and easy to do. That's why there are so many pilots flying around these days.
Pilots don't need much school. They just have to learn to read numbers so they can read their instruments.
I guess they should be able to read a road map, too.
Pilots should be brave to they won't get scared it it's foggy and they can't see, or if a wing or motor falls off.
Pilots have to have good eyes to see through the clouds, and they can't be afraid of thunder or lightning because they are much closer to them than we are.
The salary pilots make is another thing I like. They make more money than they know what to do with. This is because most people think that flying a plane is dangerous, except pilots don't because they know how easy it is.
I hope I don't get airsick because I get carsick and if I get airsick, I couldn't be a pilot and then I would have to go to work.

— purported to have been written by a fifth grade student at Jefferson School, Beaufort, SC. It was first published in the South Carolina Aviation News.

[Zanshin]

I need to find out my list of "squawks" and post them to the joke thread...

e.g.

Pilot squawk : Evidence of oil seepage on cowling of port engine #1
Engineer : Evidence removed

Pilot squawk : engine #2 missing
Engineer : Engine #2 found after short search.

[jerryrlitton]

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution logged by the mechanic.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S: No. 2 propeller seepage normal. Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in "altitude-hold" mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!

P: Transponder inoperative.
S: Transponder always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: The T/C ball seemed stuck in the middle during my last turn.
S: Congratulations! You've just made your first coordinated turn.

P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Radio switches stick
S: Peanut butter no longer served to flight crew

P: Screaming sound in cabin at start-up
S: Company accountant deplaned

P: Funny smell in cockpit
S: Pilot told to change cologne

P: Aircraft 2,400 lbs over max weight
S: Aircraft put on diet of 92 octane

P: #3 engine knocks at idle
S: #3 engine let in for a few beers

P: #3 engine runs like it's sick
S: #3 engine diagnosed with hangover

P: Brakes howl on application
S: Don't step on 'em so hard!

P: Radio sounds like a squealing pig
S: Removed pig from radio. BBQ behind hangar tomorrow

P: Whole aircraft smells like BBQ
S: Ground Checks OK

P: First class cabin floor has a squeak
S: Co-pilot told not to play with toddler toys in cabin anymore

P: Electrical governor is broke
S: Paid off governor's debt to Jimmy "The Fish" Galvano

[Zanshin]

I've never been known for my humour or good taste. I give commercial glider rides, both normal ones and aerobatic {I wish I got paid for doing them, but that is a different story}. After doing this for a while I got into a rhythm and had pretty much of a standard spiel that I would go through without really thinking about it. Usually I'd walk over and talk to the passenger while they were being strapped in and explain the safety procedures and what the controls and instruments meant and where they shouldn't be putting their hands and feet. But sometimes, especially when it was busy, I'd let the ground people (always other pilots) take care of that briefing and usually jump into the back just in time to pre-flight and hook up the tow rope. In those cases I (used to) babble to the passenger and when I did my positive control check [making sure that all moving parts really did move they way they were designed] I'd pull on the dive brakes/spoilers and ask the ground crew, sotto voce, "hey Fred, what does this thing do again?". This almost always got a laugh from the passenger except the last time I tried it. The poor guy panicked, luckily he remembered how to use his harness release, jumped out of the airplane and ran to the hut,not an easy task while still wearing a parachute... He refused to fly with me but finally did end up going up for an aerobatic ride with another pilot.

I haven't used that bad attempt at humour since then (well, not with strangers).