Why you don't know your neighbor.

[sailaway21]

I travel about quite a bit in my job, generally meeting three new families in a day if not more. It often is necessary fro me to run a garden hose from their neighbor's house over to their's if I cannot get them back in water that day, assuming that their neighbor lives close enough to them. What amazes me is that many of these people, in some neighborhoods well over fifty percent, do not know each other!

Oh, they might vaguely remember the wife or husband's first name but little beyond that. It's for sure they don't know what the neighbor does, his kid's names, or any of the things we used to take for granted that we knew about our neighbors. They certainly hadn't borrowed a cup of sugar from them!

In some cases, this leads to a reluctance to impose upon them by "borrowing" water. I usually have to make a significant effort to overcome this reluctance to impose and I'm not always successful. In most cases, I end up asking the customer if it'd be better if I went over with them and did the talking. They almost always look at me with an expression of great relief and fall in line astern as I head next door. Once I make my request to the neighbor I usually then leave them to chat a bit which many do, apparently for the first time in a lot of cases. Sometimes, I have to ask if I can drive my large and heavy well rig across their yard to gain access to their neighbor's well and this seems to rarely be an imposition as long as the neighbor is willing to repair the yard damage.

It's quite hilarious sometimes. I vividly recall the time the homosexual couple was dead certain that the fascist, lawn fanatic, close-minded bigot next door would not allow me to drive across his lawn to get at their well. This would have resulted in their having to remove three forty foot tall blue spruce trees from their yard to access it. The neighbor opened his door and I soon deduced the problem. One could tell from his dress that he was either Mormon or some other notedly conservative religious group as he was in tie and shirtsleeves at ten o'clock at night. Maybe he just like dressing like it was still 1955! We didn't get into that and he immediately allowed as how it'd be just fine although he had an in-ground sprinkler system he was concerned about and would be gone the following morning. I was worried about damaging it as well but then he said that he'd mark it for more and promptly went to the garage and brought out some little utility service type flags and a flashlight, and immediately began searching for the sprinkler heads! One half of the customer couple continued to berate the fellow and his wife, on our trip back to their house, for being difficult and some other vaguely undesirable social things. I resisted the urge to adjust his thinking with a 14" pipe wrench somehow! Some people just don't know when to be grateful and call it good.

What causes this phenomena? I'm sure it's a combination of many things including the fact that both individuals in most marriages now work full time and most communities are bedroom communities as a result. But one would think that the presence of kids would ameliorate that. It doesn't seem to because, more and more, the kids are friends not with the neighborhood kids but the kids they know at dance school, soccer practice, or the fourteen other outside the home activities they're involved in. And the neighbors are, well, neighbors right? As in right next door.

My theory is that the estrangement is due to technology. Specifically, air-conditioning. That kids today are less active and engage in more indoor activities no doubt contributes but I think the a/c just makes that more easy to isolate themselves in. Even lake cottage people do not get to know their new neighbors as cottages are more and more buttoned up with the a/c running, just like the houses in town.

What does a/c have to do with not knowing your neighbor? A/C has only really been around since the mid-1970's in anything but the most upscale houses. In the upper midwest even those million dollar homes from the 1960's didn't have it. Everybody opened a window or six. And that was the clue that put me on the track. The lake properties first triggered the thought. Around the lakes everyone had all the windows open to beat the heat and the cottages are frequently built very close to each other. "Quiet time" used to start around ten o'clock. Kids were all out past ten o'clock in the summer but they had to pipe down with the noise. If they slipped up in that regard, Mr. Smith would just call quietly out the window saying, "ten o'clock" and everyone knew what he meant.

And Mr. Smith knew the kids all by their voices. He knew if it was Johnny or Joey doing the yelling and if they did not decease, Johnny or Joey's parent swere going to know as well. Of course, if Johnny was the one who'd just fell out of the tree and broken his arm, Mr. Smith probably heard the thud or the scream and was the first one there. By the time that Johnny's parents knew something was amiss he was probably already in a car and headed to the hospital. Chances were pretty good that Mr. Smith owed Johnny's parents a cup of sugar, too!

I'm going to guess that seventy percent of the houses I now see never open their windows anymore. People go right from heating season into A/C season, sometimes within the same day! I suppose that's fine if they can afford it but there are sociological costs to it that I, nor anyone else, never considered to such a marvelous advance as household climate control.

What all this has to do with politics is that, even though you suspect your neighbor of being a right-wing unreconstructed Nazi who wants to destroy your rights as a practicing homosexual, you really don't know a damn thing about him until you open up the window and ask him if he wants some help starting that lawnmower. And once we get to know our neighbors we find that our common interests far overshadow our differences.

[xort]

call me sometime when you have an hour and I'll boor you with a horror story of the neighbors from hell. It ain't always like you posit.

[WouldaShoulda]

I know my neighbors, all of them.

That's precisely why I don't talk to half of them!!

[bljones]

Sail, the personal isolation phenomenon has been developing gradually for generations. My personal opinion is that it can be pegged to the development of Levittown. This was the first fully planned community, and the first community of home designs with no front porch as a focal point. Instead, the trend toward backyard entertaining started, with patios, decks, barbecues. Until the post WW II era, the backyard was primarily for kids and clotheslines. If your front porch was your focal outdoor entertainment center, it was easier to interact with your neighbours- you saw them and waved, they saw you and waved, next thing you know, you're talking and hanging out. But, move your outdoor socializing to the backyard and that ease of interaction disappears- while one could easily walk off the sidewalk and onto the front porch to chew the fat, you have to be invited into the backyard.
Of course, now that the backyard became busier, by the early 60s it was obvious that a little more seclusion and control was needed. After all, who wants the neighbour's dog to come steal the burgers off the grill, or the neighbour kids' balls rolling into your backyard? In many cases, these new developments also had smaller lot sizes than older homes, to make them more affordable, which also meants that people were living closer together than many of them were comfortably used to. Also, a significant number of these new homeowners were coming from high density urban environments, in many cases the first in their families to own their own home, or at least one that wasn't attached to their neighbours. One of their major goals was to get some space. So, fences became popular, adding one more layer of isolation. Then the swimming pool boom started, which required even more elaborate fences.
Add in the sociological implications of middle class flight from urban centers during the late 60s, and the growing fear of "them," whoever "them" might be- lefties, righties, whoever, and whatever, and you can see how the self-imposed isolation by choice begins to accelerate. Soon people are locking their doors. Look at the difference in style of front doors from the 30s compared to the 70s. No longer did doors have large windows- now they were solid slabs.
As the spread to the suburbs grows, home builders are responding to the demands of their customers- with longer commutes and increasing numbers of two-income families, there is less time available for DIY home renovation. Less often does Bob get together with his neighbour Joe to help Joe remodel his basement into a rec room, knowing that Joe will help Bob in return. Now buildiers are offering all of these features pre-built. One more level of interaction with the neighbours disappears- sharing sweat equity is no longer needed.
Along comes cable television and colour tv and vcrs. Now observing fictional life is easier and often more interesting than interacting with your neighbours.
Property values increase, land prices in desirable areas increase, so lot sizes decrease as house sizes increase. as density increases, so does the height of the fences between neighbours. Gone is four foot high chain link- now fences are 6 foot tall privacy walls. To keep those property values up, HOAs proliferate, adding one more layer of bureaucracy to the neighbourhood, further dividing neighbours as households begin to eye other households to see who is best obeying the rules, and who is bringing the neighbourhood down.
I think air conditioning was not the cause of isolation, but one of the effects. After all if you are spending increasing amounts of time inside your home watching "Three's Company" with the solid doors locked and windows closed against the outside world, it gets pretty hot. But window air conditioners are noisy and only cool a small area, so central air was invented...
And then the internet came along. Now many of us know more about people we have never seen than we do about the family next door.

[N0NJY]

Originally Posted by WouldaShoulda

I know my neighbors, all of them.

That's precisely why I don't talk to half of them!!

\

Same here. However, with one very noted exception, ALL of my neighbors are nice, I know most if not all their names, and they know me.

I don't get placed on "ignore" in my neighborhood either. LOL THEY listen to what I have to say and they communication considerably better than some people on the internet.

Perhaps it is because they have to stand by their beliefs - and prove them, rather than run off to some higher authority to complain maybe.

The noted exception - a lady across the street calls the police on everyone and everything for literally nothing. She's called the police on me and others for having dandelions growing in our yards

Her husband is a nice man, owns a big pontoon boat, and said he had heard that, "I heard that becoming a sailor raises your IQ level several points" and then asked if I would teach him to sail some day.... /sigh.

[southernwind]

Originally Posted by WouldaShoulda

I know my neighbors, all of them.

That's precisely why I don't talk to half of them!!

hell thats why i dont want them to know me lol

[knothead]

We know pretty much everyone on our street, are friendly with most of the families and are close to three or four of them.
We had a little trouble years ago when Mrs. Knothead decided to offer some free counseling to a lady she felt was being verbally abused by her SO.
Everyone has gotten over that.
I think you're right Sway. In that AC and television has contributed to the isolation that many seem to have become used to.
I believe that there may be some other underlying reasons as well such as a mistrust of others that many of us didn't grow up with.
When we were kids, neighborhoods were a lot different. People were not afraid to speak out to other people's kids. People were not too proud to seek help or maybe just comfort from their neighbors.
Nowadays, you'd have to be crazy to lay a hand on somebody's kid. We just call the police and ask that we be kept anonymous.

[tommays]

Well


Growing up i was born in Delaware and lived there till about 2

Then we moved to Texas for about 3 Years

Then South Carolina for 1st and second grade (JFK )

Then Tennessee for 3rd 4th and 5th grade (school integration )

Then NY the final stop for 6th grade

But of course in getting a final home here i went to 4 different schools in two years


I gotta say there was allways a big supply of people who wanted to let you know you were and outsider


As and adult are first home was in Riverhead and the 100 mile round trip drive sucked and there were other issues with the amout of rentals in the condo that made it less than a good place to live


Home #2 was in a brand new develoment and it was great most of us were the same age and income and we did know everbody ,there were allways block partys ,street hockey games ect The school was less then ideal SO


Home #3 It was allways goal because my wife was born in this town and I had moved here at 14 years old so things like are children going to the same schools we went to was nice and there are still a few teachers around we knew

The good things are my MIL,SIL and BIL all live within 1 mile of us and My BILs have been good friends for over 35 years

I know some people well BUT the 3 closest houses have shut in owners and there is a big age gap in the area with most of the owners being much younger or older

[Bene505]

Why you don't know your neighbor.

Because I know you.

I think we've all found friends who have the same interests as us, whether they are on the internet, down at the flying club, at the marina, or across town. I do know my neighbors, but with everything else going on, it's a higher priority and enjoyment to know some others better. By the way, we have great neighbors, so maybe I'm just talking about how much we actually hang out with them.

[mgmhead]

Everyone has made good points about the isolation of our suburbanites but I'll add one more. Garage door openers and attached garages. I grew up in the country and we knew all of our neighbors (the few there were). When I married I moved to the city and in that urban setting I knew nearly all my neighbors (some were never went out of doors). When I moved to the suburbs with a two car attached garage and electric garage door openers by barely knew the residents on either side of my lot...it's tuff to have a neighborly conversation when one of you is going 25mph. Now I'm back in the city and I know my neighbors as well as I do my dockmates in the marina. And, if you don't know your dockmates...shame on you.