Feeling guilty and deflated - Page 3 - SailNet Community
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post #21 of 33 Old 07-05-2017 Thread Starter
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My update: maybe it was enough just to write/talk about it, maybe it was the helpful responses but I do feel better and honestly, it was more about me than my child - who seems fine.
I do understand and appreciate all the comments, maybe I was only looking for what I found by posting here, either way once the boat checks out we'll get back on the water.

If I had read this post I'd be interested in more details about the circumstances on how it has happened.
It's my 4th year sailing an albin vega around the Stockholm archipelago.
Not to excuse my mistake, I accept my error and will learn from it but to describe what happened was trying to save an insignificant amount of time by not going around a charted Rocky area and rather navigate through - Mistake 1. Doing it with my child on board - #2. Doing it challenging conditions (20 mps, 2 reefs in main and reefed gen - #3. And what I think was the main reason -heading south with my plotter locked in a north orientation - #4.
Again, not to make excuses but this was the thing that was different from every other time out. And even though I was concentrating on the plotter, aware of the obstacles, it still happened.
As one person responded about not having a "healthy fear", I think that may have been a thing, not to treat hidden rocks as nuclear bombs and staying away. I do believe I will from now on take the long way round, amongst other precautions.

All in all, we have a trip planned this summer (after inspection), things will be different.

Thanks for the help
Sincerely.
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post #22 of 33 Old 07-05-2017
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Re: Feeling guilty and deflated

Rocky: good for you!

Knowing now the area where this happened, it makes more sense to me just how you could hit rocks twice in one day. One of my best sailing memories is when I spent a week cruising in that archipelago, many years ago. I was visiting my Swedish friend (who had been an exchange student at my high school), and his family had a 35 foot sailboat that they kept about an hour south of Stockholm. We loaded her up with food, beer and some vodka, and took off for a week or so, just cruising around. My first night sailing, and my first time sleeping on a boat. We had perfect weather, but thinking back on it, boy were there a lot of rocks! For those of you unfamiliar with the area, it is something like the coast of Maine, but with more rocks. Some of the rocks are good-sized islands with forests, but most are smaller. And oh my gosh, are they everywhere. It's just beautiful, but a piloting challenge to say the least.

Rocky, cut yourself a break here. You'll snap out of it with some valuable lessons learned; and unsurprisingly, your daughter will likely not be much affected by this. Children are amazingly resilient. Keep calm, and sail on.
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post #23 of 33 Old 07-05-2017
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Re: Feeling guilty and deflated

First, your daughter might not enjoy sailing. She might never. This may have nothing whatsoever to do with you as a father. Not everyone is going to enjoy the same things you do, and I've noticed that it can be particularly difficult for parents to accept it when a child does not share the same interests.

Imagine how difficult it must be for a parent who plans to pass on the family business only to find out that the child has no interested in the family business whatsoever. Yes, it _might_ be the parent's fault. But it's just as likely that the child simply doesn't share the same interests. Children are people with independent likes/dislikes. Let the child make her own choices.

Next, if the child doesn't seem to be showing long term issues, quit worrying so much. Children are not so fragile as the internet would make them seem. I can't count how much trauma I experienced as a child on a bicycle, and yet bicycling is still one of my great joys as an adult. Misfortune is part of life, and children are resilient. If the child seems to have recovered, you fretting about it is more likely to cause long-term trauma than the event itself.

Finally, life is full of stories of great successes, and they all include tales of repeated failure prior to the success. Success isn't nearly as much about being good at something, but more so about refusing to stay down when you're knocked down. There will always be things that can and will go wrong. See if you can learn from them, but fight the urge to let them get you down with all your being or you _will_ fail.

And that last one is coming from a guy who has wrecked his brand new Tartan 37 on 4 out of 4 docking attempts so far. Yes, I'm frustrated and embarrassed by the whole thing. But I keep reminding myself to focus on what I can learn from the most recent mishap, what I need to do differently, etc. Because I love to sail, and getting in and out of the marina is something I have to figure out so that I can sail.
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post #24 of 33 Old 07-05-2017
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Re: Feeling guilty and deflated

I had a bit of a bad day with my girl. Long story. She won't go on the boat anymore, but I'm not at all convienced it had much to do with that fiasco. She was working on a snit for a loooong time before that. I just gave her something to attach it to.

Think of it this way, it's just another learning adventure in life. Just because you think something will kill you does not mean it will. That's a valuable lesson.

I tend to think we are over protective with our kids, coddle them too much. Then they can't handle real life as well.

Then again, years ago I sa some research that suggested that the way kids process events has much more to do with their set internal make up. We don't have that much to do with it. Looking at my 4 kids and seeing such a wide range of personalities I tend to agree.

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post #25 of 33 Old 07-06-2017
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Re: Feeling guilty and deflated

I'm sure your child will be fine. At that age, they recover quickly.

As the skipper, you are responsible for everyone aboard. Both their safety and their comfort. Those are not the times to push the limits of your personal experience or comfort. Stay as far from the rocks as possible. Never put up so much sail that the rail would be in the water, let alone risk a knock down, with a non-sailor of any age aboard.

Get back on the horse, slow down, give a wider berth to the risks and just have fun.


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post #26 of 33 Old 07-06-2017
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Re: Feeling guilty and deflated

I'm glad to read you might have a positive outcome. For you and others in similar situations: I've had more than a few families with kids as young as 10 take our USCG AUX sailing safety course. We taught a 9-week course. Particularly in the navigation weeks it was the kids coaching the parents on how to read the charts and plot the course. I don't know whether it was the parents having less time to read the material or what, but it was fun to see.
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post #27 of 33 Old 07-06-2017
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Re: Feeling guilty and deflated

Quote:
Originally Posted by Donna_F View Post
I'm glad to read you might have a positive outcome. For you and others in similar situations: I've had more than a few families with kids as young as 10 take our USCG AUX sailing safety course. We taught a 9-week course. Particularly in the navigation weeks it was the kids coaching the parents on how to read the charts and plot the course. I don't know whether it was the parents having less time to read the material or what, but it was fun to see.
It was probably that, and the fact that kids are more primed for learning at that age. They are learning new stuff every day. Parents are not usually confronted with the same volume of new info every day.

Regarding getting our kids to like our things:

My daughter rebelled against the camping vacations I took them on for many years. She had girlfriends who were going on cruise ship trips and resort vacations. We started doing beach house rentals on the Gulf Coast. They were a compromise from what she wanted as they were not fancy resorts or cruises and she still had to take a turn at kitchen clean-up after meals. We allowed her to bring a friend along and made sure to include pre-teen friendly activities like beach side cafes with virgin margaritas, areas with other tweens and teens, her kind of music, wave runner rentals, sea kayaks, paddle boards.

I picked places that allowed me to get to National Wildlife Areas, unpopulated beaches, nice bike rides. One of the hardest parts for me was allowing her to play some of her own music in the car. She went through a period of some pretty bad music tastes. I used to ask the kids to give me their CDs and a list of favorite songs. I burned custom CDs that had songs for every member of the family: "One song for her, one of her brother's songs, one of Dad's songs, one of Mom's songs, and then repeat". Every body got to hear their favorite music every fourth song. Since my wife and I like similar music, and my son's taste has always been more tolerable to me, we only had to endure really bad music every fourth song.

By the time I-pods and iphones and their playlists came along, her music taste improved and she had discovered classic rock and motown. She now has a play list on her phone labeled, "Music Dad can tolerate".

When I sail, I prefer to hear the sounds of water and creaking rigging but I will have to have music at times, when my daughter sails with me.
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post #28 of 33 Old 07-07-2017
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Re: Feeling guilty and deflated

the key to this is not that you made a mistake in front of daughter but the learning opportunity....
did daughter learn anything other than sailing sucks?
did she learn what happens when you donot pay attention, which seems to have been the lesson of the day?
the lesson of paying attention is a very handy one to have taught and for her to have learned. i hope that was a success.
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post #29 of 33 Old 07-08-2017
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Re: Feeling guilty and deflated

Mistakes happen in life. Sounds like you've learned a lot from this one. Seems to me that you have modeled for your daughter the appropriate way to handle the inevitable mistake that she will make at some point in her life.


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post #30 of 33 Old 07-08-2017
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Re: Feeling guilty and deflated

Hmm.. If I hit the rocks I'd be the one in tears and my kid would be laughing at me! Seriously though, make avoiding the rocks a game, if you teach your kid this is just a normal sailing hazard, she won't be so freaked when you run aground.

Note that I have yet to run aground and I'm super paranoid about it so maybe I'm not the best one to give advice.

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