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post #11 of 39 Old 10-23-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

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Originally Posted by paulinnanaimo View Post
If you have to look for reasons why it's okay to do something, it probably isn't.
Not sure that works for everyone. For 5 years I have Raced, sailed, done few overnights and my wife is not physically able to to any of this, I'm quite fit for 62 and she has two new knees, one hip waiting on the second and there were some heart attacks, maybe one day she will but time is not on our side. Hopefull but realistic at the same time. I look for reasons to keep doing it all the time.
No true regrets and the Trophies are stacking up so I cant stop now.
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post #12 of 39 Old 10-23-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

albrazzi
Of course you keep living, the OP is talking about leaving for weeks or even months at a time.
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post #13 of 39 Old 10-24-2019 Thread Starter
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

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Originally Posted by paulinnanaimo View Post
albrazzi
Of course you keep living, the OP is talking about leaving for weeks or even months at a time.

Thatís correct, and thatís what I asked. Thatís the title of the thread CRUISING single while being married.

Being separated for long periods of time to pursue your individual goal. Not a goal shared by both partners.

Cruising alone as the other spouse / SO does not share the same dream or passion, or does want to spend that amount of time away from home and on a boat.


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post #14 of 39 Old 10-25-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

A most interesting question...

I know a couple where the wife often goes off on many-week trips away from the boat, for family reasons, I presume.

The admiral is connected by titanium hawsers, not apron strings, to her 4 kids and now 6 grandkids.

I have also 4 kids, but 11 grandkids on my side.

We're joined at the hip, and can't imagine another life. But in the last few years, we've done eff-all for cruising, and the longest stretch was 2 months, truncated from the expected 4 by Dorian, which, if completed, would have been double the time we'd spent on any cruise since 2014.

I'm on a significantly large boat for single handing (though it certainly can be done), so the reality of my cruising solo isn't very large.

And, like the saying goes, fish and family smell after 3 days; we've found that our usual visits to our many children usually are best if under a week. So she can't really stay away for truly extended periods.

Yet, I wish there were a way I could actually cruise as we had originally expected (sold the house, gave away the stuff, gave away the van after the initial refit), which was to spend the rest of our life in the Eastern Caribbean, and fly back to USA for a month each year. We never made it east, and her mother in a retirement facility in Vero has meant that we never will - and also makes it easier to become entangled in all sorts of excuses why we can't go cruise, right now (currently, aside from her mother, it's umpty different church and music-related reasons).

But to your original question:

If you both are comfortable with it, absolutely. It's when one of the partners isn't happy about it that it becomes trouble. She can't imagine any other life (we have no other home), but she sure isn't a cruiser any more.

I, on the other hand, keep threatening to sell the boat: I don't want to pay the price of admission if I don't get to go on the rides (the cost of keeping a boat up isn't worth the work if you aren't going to use it as a boat).

So far we haven't, but...
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post #15 of 39 Old 10-25-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

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Originally Posted by chef2sail View Post
Thatís correct, and thatís what I asked. Thatís the title of the thread CRUISING single while being married.

Being separated for long periods of time to pursue your individual goal. Not a goal shared by both partners.

Cruising alone as the other spouse / SO does not share the same dream or passion, or does want to spend that amount of time away from home and on a boat.
I don't see sailing experiences as goals. It's more simply a way to live, pass time in nature or new surroundings and get away from the limitations and rote of living on dirt. I can do it alone but prefer to have the company of my wife who has no interested in passages. Years ago I needed to get my skills up to speed and so one might say I had to pass technical hurdles or milestones. No more.

We loved sailing in Maine. It's 400 miles from where the boat is moored. I've sailed the boat to Maine and wife has taken land or air transport to get there and we cruised locally and then sailed home together. She didn't have the time do do then entire trip. We've done variations of this a number of times. I also spend weekends on the boat and she remains home for any number of reasons... usually it's grand daughters.

pay attention... someone's life depends on it
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post #16 of 39 Old 10-25-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

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Originally Posted by skipgundlach View Post
A most interesting question...

....

I, on the other hand, keep threatening to sell the boat: I don't want to pay the price of admission if I don't get to go on the rides (the cost of keeping a boat up isn't worth the work if you aren't going to use it as a boat).

So far we haven't, but...
well said

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post #17 of 39 Old 10-25-2019 Thread Starter
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

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Originally Posted by SanderO View Post
I don't see sailing experiences as goals. It's more simply a way to live, pass time in nature or new surroundings and get away from the limitations and rote of living on dirt. I can do it alone but prefer to have the company of my wife who has no interested in passages. Years ago I needed to get my skills up to speed and so one might say I had to pass technical hurdles or milestones. No more.

We loved sailing in Maine. It's 400 miles from where the boat is moored. I've sailed the boat to Maine and wife has taken land or air transport to get there and we cruised locally and then sailed home together. She didn't have the time do do then entire trip. We've done variations of this a number of times. I also spend weekends on the boat and she remains home for any number of reasons... usually it's grand daughters.
Understood. I think you are saying In your case the sailing is a lifestyle. In your wifeís case itís not to the same extent. You seemed to have worked out the arrangement that you are apart for extended periods of time. You each do your own thing. You live separately some of the time. Obviously she wants to do that also. That makes your arrangement successful.

My wife and I have a couple who are good friends. He was a Ohio class nuke submarine commander, retired now. Throughout their marriage he was underwater 6 months of the year. The both like sailing .After he retired he outfitted his IP and they cruised two different times through the Caribbean, we were very close to them . The second trip they came back without their boat. They sold it in Florida.

While she liked the daily weekend occasional 3 week sailing trip, she wanted a more balanced life including larger amounts of time with their family, cultural, community pursuits. Being disconnected from all of that while cruising was not her idea of a marriage.

She had always dreamed that when he retired , they would spend more time together as they were best friends. It wasn't his job to be away anymore. She had thought that he would do things and travel with her. They werenít joined at the hip certainly, but being married was living together not apart.
He suggested that in the future he would take the boat down to the islands where she could join him. But she balked at that saying that they were not together for long periods of time if he did that.

They came to us to discuss this as they needed perspective. Normally we would not get to involved with this, but our friendship made it possible For us to just ďlistenĒ as they worked this difference out. There were lots of dynamics in place.

Her points were that she wanted his company/ friendship/ love and that he was happy to dole that out in time periods when he was present. She commented that his lifestyle became different than hers in pursuing the cruising. He felt she was restricting his dreams. She said she didnít want a part time husband. Someone who was not emotionally available because of the choices he was making in being apart. She said while it was his career she was willing to accept it, but never thought it would remain apart in retirement. She didnít want to be smothering, but also she felt his choice was a selfish pursuit somewhat that didnít include her.

It was painful to watch them work this out . They had been married 30 years at that point. Both highly educated . Both had had careers. There were now grandchildren.

Donna , my wife, and I watched this play out. It hit home as we were approaching our retirement in upcoming years. We had talked about selling Haleakula and buying a larger 43 ft cruising boat . We looked at boats and almost bought first a Bristol 45.5 and then a Mason 44. We were going to keep our house ( we had already downsized) but take off from Nov to March to the Caribbean and southern Florida. We also communicate well.

We this happened to our friends it refocused our discussions. It brought to the forefront the prospect of her being alone if she didnít want to be on the boat continuously. She didnít want to ruin my dream, but she also didnít want to be apart and disconnected from her friends and grandkids. She envisioned in retirement we would mostly do things together.

I got married this second time ( 15 years now) to be connected with my wife. That also meant physically present most of the time. I had to think carefully what I wanted for us....and what I wanted for me. Because of this, we modified our retirement plans. We will sail more in the spring through fall months in the Chessie and north, with no time restrictions, but buy an RV to travel when the weather got unsailable here. Weíd charter at least two weeks in the winter. This way we were mostly together. Weíd be around for the grandkids and friends and our community projects. We could continue to grow by taking college courses or other pursuits. One of her points was that living on the boat while cruising the islands was one dimension able. I had to recognize that what she was pointing out was mostly true. That the cruising would limit our activities and growth as well as limit the variety in our lives.
More to come
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post #18 of 39 Old 10-25-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

Dave mentions the dream thing which is mentioned frequently on SN. This usually means that the dreamer can't live their dream and are waiting to live it... usually in retirement.

I have mixed feelings about "dreams" and have expressed it before. I don't think I have dreams but I make plans. And it could be for something small or something large and complex.

I might make plans to see a performance. This is achievable... I need to find the time and money. I enjoy the company of my wife... she likes to see performances as well. But many times she says she won't attend because she has work the following day and she'll be tired from working the day of the performance. I go alone.

When I got Shiva I had no plans for her. But I did believe I could with the right level of preparation - the boat and me... sail to a far away place and experience that. To me that was the tropics. A RTW seemed outside the scope of what I could pull off... time wise and money wise. Once I sailed 1,000 miles in the ocean I knew I could essentially sail anywhere... again with the right preparations. The passage was only a step to get to another place / culture / experience of living. I had no wife at the time but did have a girlfriend or two. I met people who wanted to escape for some time... but don't remember anyone who "dreamed" about sailing off forever.

Sailing to me is a lifestyle I suppose. I love the experience of having the wind power the boat to somewhere I want to go. (I hate to have to motor... a necessary evil). I like that I can "navigate" to anyplace... skill and easy peasy tech. I like the mental work in caring for, making better and repairing the boat. It was / is a multi year project of development and improvement. I am always faced with figuring something out... like installing engine mounts. And of course the boat is our home... our home away from home... and so we want it... and can make it be in a lovely place. And this is why I don't stay in slips or marinas. If you were to have a little weekend cabin where would you build it? Surely not on a highway... near a shopping mall... but on a quiet cove or up on some mountain down some dusty road. I / we may be the exception to how people think about and use their sailboats. I am not advocating anything other than people do what works for them. I don't see our "separations" ever being more than a week or two... like a delivery of Shiva to ME or the Caribe. And to us it is wonderful that we can periodically re locate our home, the view, and experience a different local "culture".

We don't go for sail much just to sail. We will if we have a guest for the day... but usually we do a weekend trip and then return to dirt.

I am sliding to a retired state as my regular work becomes less and less regular. It gives me more time to play on the boat. Wifey retires next year. I am not sure what she envisions her retirement to be... travel to Europe? No I am not sailing there! We thought about moving south with Shiva and living aboard. Now I think she'd miss her grand children growing up.

What's more a concern is increasing "disability" that comes with old age. Doing single sailing is not prudent for older people at some point.
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Last edited by SanderO; 10-25-2019 at 02:45 PM.
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post #19 of 39 Old 10-25-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

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Originally Posted by paulinnanaimo View Post
albrazzi
Of course you keep living, the OP is talking about leaving for weeks or even months at a time.
Your comment seemed a bit judgmental, I was just pointing out many times we look for reasons to do something without it being wrong to do it. I apologize if my comments don't fit the original question, My bad.
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post #20 of 39 Old 10-25-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

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Originally Posted by chef2sail View Post
This question is really for married/ long term significant other sailors who have thought about extended cruising without their spouse/ partner.

I have thought about taking Haleakula down to St Augustine / Lake Worth area once we retire and do some sailing in the winter including going over to the Bahamas . I could comfortably live on her for a number of months.

My wife does not want this as she like doing vacations of 3 plus weeks but doesnít want to commit to being apart for at least weeks at a time. She doesnít think she will stay down there for the winter.
Well you can go from the Chesapeake to St Augustine (not really the best target stop if living on the boat a long time) in 3 weeks easy going down the ICW with just a couple outside overnight.

Don't blow air up my rear, be useful and blow it at the sails!
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