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Re: Cruising Single while Married

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Originally Posted by SanderO View Post
Dave mentions the dream thing which is mentioned frequently on SN. This usually means that the dreamer can't live their dream and are waiting to live it... usually in retirement.

I have mixed feelings about "dreams" and have expressed it before. I don't think I have dreams but I make plans. And it could be for something small or something large and complex.

I might make plans to see a performance. This is achievable... I need to find the time and money. I enjoy the company of my wife... she like to see performances as well. But many times she says she won't attend because she has work the following day and she'll be tired from working the day of the performance. I go alone.

When I got Shiva I had no plans for her. But I did believe I could with the right level of preparation - the boat and me... sail to a far away place and experience that. To me that was the tropics. A RTW seemed outside the scope of what I could pull off... time wise and money wise. Once I sailed 1,000 miles in the ocean I knew I could essentially sail anywhere... again with the right preparations. The passage was only a step to get to another place / culture / experience of living. I had no wife at the time but did have a girlfriend or two. I met people who wanted to escape for some time... but don't remember anyone who "dreamed" about sailing off forever.

Sailing to me is a lifestyle I suppose. I love the experience of having the wind power the boat to somewhere I want to go. (I hate to have to motor... a necessary evil). I like that I can "navigate" to anyplace... skill and easy peasy tech. I like the mental work in caring for, making better and repairing the boat. It was / is a multi year project of development and improvement. I am always faced with figuring something out... like installing engine mounts. And of course the boat is our home... our home away from home... and so we want it... and can make it be in a lovely place. And this is why I don't stay in slips or marinas. If you were to have a little weekend cabin where would you build it? Surely not on a highway... near a shopping mall... but on a quiet cove or up on some mountain down some dusty road. I / we may be the exception to how people think about and use their sailboats. I am not advocating anything other than people do what works for them. I don't see our "separations" ever being more than a week or two... like a delivery of Shiva to ME or the Caribe. And to us it is wonderful that we can periodically re locate our home, the view, and experience a different local "culture".

We don't go for sail much just to sail. We will if we have a guest for the day... but usually we do a weekend trip and then return to dirt.

I am sliding to a retired state as my regular work becomes less and less regular. It gives me more time to play on the boat. Wifey retires next year. I am not sure what she envisions her retirement to be... travel to Europe? No I am not sailing there! We thought about moving south with Shiva and living aboard. Now I think she'd miss her grand children growing up.

What's more a concern is increasing "disability" that comes with old age. Doing single sailing is not prudent for older people at some point.
Jeff,

I know this is a little off topic .

You keep talking about marinas and slips like they are Grand Central Station.
When in a marina you have the option usually of untying and anchoring, just like you are on a mooring. Thatís always and option. Itís not like Northport where the Prime anchorage Is taken up by hundreds and hundreds of moored boats. You know I love Northport and stop there for a few days every trip north, but I wouldnít call it a quiet pristine place.

It may come from the area which you keep your boat where there are very few marinas, and many of them are mega marinas , and very expensive with pull out rules in October. That is very much the area you keep Shiva.

We are in a marina on a creek which is a hurricane hole ( protected on all four sides. ) 120 slips only...95% sailboats. It is surrounded by horse farms and in a community with waterfront houses each with a minimum of 1/2 acre. It is so rural we have a resident bald eagle (ďErnieĒ) And his nest in one of the trees in the property. It is family owned by a former Americas Cup racer, who just one the Annapolis J-80 weekly race program for 2019.

Itís way quieter that Northport. Doesnít have the commercial traffic Northport has nor the transients. Many if not most marinas here are like it with only a few mega marinas. More than 1/2 the price of LI Marinas too.
Along the Creek are many boat docks with multiple slips which can also be rented seasonally.

Because of area, I think your view of the marina life is jaded. There are many more sailing clubs and yacht clubs here also. Some formal, most not.
You donít necessarily have to come on SN to get good advice , sailboat info. Your slip neighbor may have it. On weekends our marina is 25% full. Most are out anchored somewhere. Remember very few moorings on the Chesapeake. Itís not like LI. Va, NC , SC, Georgia are similar up their creeks and rivers.

Even if we had opportunity of a mooring I stay with a slip. Safer for the boat. Easier to access the boat. In both good and bad weather. No taking a launch in 30 knot breeze on a bobbing platform on a short scope which accentuates the motion even with snubbers. Access to water, pump out, shore power ( for air conditioning or power tools) , showers, and rest rooms.
No pool or restaurant which we donít want either. You can walk in a rural neighborhood for exercise. Or just hang out and watch the eagle. Commradiere if you want it.

Many times we get there after work at 10:00 PM to a safe dock and load the boat. I can check on the boat easily, which you canít on a mooring. Security. Better than a mooring. Also people around if you have a medical emergency.

I am not putting down moorings as they also serve there purpose and in your specific area...there are few marinas, so you really donít have much choice. but like I said if I did....I would go for the slip....especially as I age and get less mobile.

Sorry for the drift but I felt your view of marinas vs moorings should be addressed in case a relative new person was trying to decide.


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post #22 of 39 Old 10-25-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

I can do, and do, most of those same things from a mooring. And use the $60+/day saved to do more things that bring me enjoyment over just "being able to just step off boat onto the dock". And if I can, I do it from an anchor and now save $80+/day.

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post #23 of 39 Old 10-25-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

This is an interesting thread because my wife and I are fairly new to sailing but we both love it. She and I are no where near retirement but we have similar discussions as to whether sailing is an "activity" or are "lifestyle". The honest answer is that it is different things to different people.

We have a relatively small boat (San Juan 28) and we use it primarily to day sail with friends and occasional overnight and weekend trips. We paid cash for the boat so we don't have the "pressure" to sail as often that may come with a mortgage. However, I would like to move up to larger and somewhat nicer boat but that would mean we would have to finance it and she is dead set against that. There are other things that we like to do other than sail (hike, travel, cultural events, etc.) but I think we would enjoy our sailing experiences more with a larger nicer boat. Her point is that, for us, sailing is an activity. The boat is there when we want to use and when we are doing other things we don't worry about it. My point is that maybe sailing would be more of a lifestyle for us if we had a larger nicer boat. We could still do those other things but the time on the water would be even more enjoyable than it is now. Decisions.....decisions..........
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

Hey,

Very interesting discussion because this hits fairly close to home for me. I'm 55 and plan on retiring around 60. I have no desire to live full time on a boat but I would like to spend a summer in Maine, a winter in the Carib, explore other areas, etc. My wife likes to day sail and spend a weekend on board, but doesn't want to spend a month or longer on a boat.

So it will be interesting to see what happens in the next 5-7 years.

We've been happily married for 25+ years. We've never spent much time apart and I have no desire to be away for more than a few days. I can probably convince her to give a summer in Maine a try.

Barry
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

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Originally Posted by chef2sail View Post
Jeff,


It may come from the area which you keep your boat where there are very few marinas, and many of them are mega marinas , and very expensive with pull out rules in October. That is very much the area you keep Shiva.


Sorry for the drift but I felt your view of marinas vs moorings should be addressed in case a relative new person was trying to decide.
Dave,
Each person's thinking is informed by many factors. Northport has one the largest Marina's I have been in https://www.brityacht.com/ Borders the sewage treatment plant (not shown in their marketing).

And most boats in LIS I would imagine are in large marinas like Brewers.

I don't care where or why people choose a marina or a mooring. People choose what works for them. What's better for me is not for you. This is not A better than B... It's simply a choice made by people based on multiple criteria.

No... boats are not safer in a marina. That is your opinion. It can be true but it may not be.

As for someone new to the sailing experience hopefully they are smart enough not to follow blindly someone on the www giving advice... or without researching and gathering facts and examining their options. We don't have tiny marinas next to horse farms in LIS... but we have them next to hospitals and cemeteries and so on.

Dering Harbor where I moored for many years has a tiny marina.... slips...8 slips if I recall. It's next to a fuel depot! I chose to get a mooring in the SE corner of the harbor in the quietest spot... keeping my dink at the marina. I am sure those 8 slips were coveted an d spendy.

And please don't forget I winter in water in a marina... for years at West Harbor, Glen Island... a tiny facility with no power boats... and salty sailors. For winter and Spring work it was very handy... 15 minutes by car. But to me it was work a 2 hr drive to spend the summers in the corner of Dering Harbor. Others would not make the same calculus... and likely because they use their boat differently.

Different strokes. Sailors are smart enough to find the right solution for themselves.

pay attention... someone's life depends on it

Last edited by SanderO; 10-25-2019 at 11:59 AM.
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

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Originally Posted by BarryL View Post
Hey,

Very interesting discussion because this hits fairly close to home for me. I'm 55 and plan on retiring around 60. I have no desire to live full time on a boat but I would like to spend a summer in Maine, a winter in the Carib, explore other areas, etc. My wife likes to day sail and spend a weekend on board, but doesn't want to spend a month or longer on a boat.

So it will be interesting to see what happens in the next 5-7 years.

We've been happily married for 25+ years. We've never spent much time apart and I have no desire to be away for more than a few days. I can probably convince her to give a summer in Maine a try.

Barry
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

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Originally Posted by Horace74 View Post
This is an interesting thread because my wife and I are fairly new to sailing but we both love it. She and I are no where near retirement but we have similar discussions as to whether sailing is an "activity" or are "lifestyle". The honest answer is that it is different things to different people.

We have a relatively small boat (San Juan 28) and we use it primarily to day sail with friends and occasional overnight and weekend trips. We paid cash for the boat so we don't have the "pressure" to sail as often that may come with a mortgage. However, I would like to move up to larger and somewhat nicer boat but that would mean we would have to finance it and she is dead set against that. There are other things that we like to do other than sail (hike, travel, cultural events, etc.) but I think we would enjoy our sailing experiences more with a larger nicer boat. Her point is that, for us, sailing is an activity. The boat is there when we want to use and when we are doing other things we don't worry about it. My point is that maybe sailing would be more of a lifestyle for us if we had a larger nicer boat. We could still do those other things but the time on the water would be even more enjoyable than it is now. Decisions.....decisions..........
Sounds like you need to charter a bigger, nicer boat for a week and find out!
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

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Originally Posted by SanderO View Post
Dave,
Each person's thinking is informed by many factors. Northport has one the largest Marina's I have been in https://www.brityacht.com/ Borders the sewage treatment plant (not shown in their marketing).

And most boats in LIS I would imagine are in large marinas like Brewers.

I don't care where or why people choose a marina or a mooring. People choose what works for them. What's better for me is not for you. This is not A better than B... It's simply a choice made by people based on multiple criteria.

No... boats are not safer in a marina. That is your opinion. It can be true but it may not be.

As for someone new to the sailing experience hopefully they are smart enough not to follow blindly someone on the www giving advice... or without researching and gathering facts and examining their options. We don't have tiny marinas next to horse farms in LIS... but we have them next to hospitals and cemeteries and so on.

Dering Harbor where I moored for many years has a tiny marina.... slips...8 slips if I recall. It's next to a fuel depot! I chose to get a mooring in the SE corner of the harbor in the quietest spot... keeping my dink at the marina. I am sure those 8 slips were coveted an d spendy.

And please don't forget I winter in water in a marina... for years at West Harbor, Glen Island... a tiny facility with no power boats... and salty sailors. For winter and Spring work it was very handy... 15 minutes by car. But to me it was work a 2 hr drive to spend the summers in the corner of Dering Harbor. Others would not make the same calculus... and likely because they use their boat differently.

Different strokes. Sailors are smart enough to find the right solution for themselves.

Jeff,

When you make statements like this It should not be surprising that someone would take that to mean you think a marina is not a lovely place.

Quote:
. And of course the boat is our home... our home away from home... and so we want it... and can make it be in a lovely place. And this is why I don't stay in slips or marinas. If you were to have a little weekend cabin where would you build it? Surely not on a highway... near a shopping mall... but on a quiet cove or up on some mountain down some dusty road. - SanderO

People make choices where to keep their boat based on their own preferences . No one should be made to feel less than for that. My point was that all marinas were not on hiways or shopping malls,As you inferred but could be next to a horse farm like ours is. where it is peaceful and tranquil and has a bald eagle. A new posters should hear that they exist.

Of course no one should Just listen to people on the web Without their own proper research. That goes without saying. When you post....itís not a fact....just your opinion .....and we all have them. Thatís what SN is ...opinions.

I started this thread to enlist others OPINONS on how they handle a marrige/ relationship and cruise when both involved donít have the ďdreamĒ - my word ...sorry if you donít like or relate to it. Feel free to move past the thread if you canít relate without trying to change the meaning

There Is no right or wrong here. As evidence by most of the posters a lot of us struggle and can relate to this difference when contemplating cruising. One spouse has more of the passion or dream to do it than the other.
1-In a marrige how do you work that out ?
2-Do you go independently and each do what they want?
3-Is there a compromise available?
4- If you are used to doing things together and donít want to be apart for large periods of time , how do you manage that?


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post #29 of 39 Old 10-25-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

My wife has promised me that "Someday - after [she] retire(s) we will take the ICW from RI to FL. After that we will see..."


I [was] retired in 2013.

The plan was for her to retire sometime next summer and for us to be ready to migrate in the fall. She was laid-off yesterday.

I am now planning on taking her on a trip to Maine, and a bunch of trips throughout New England next summer!
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

Dave we agree on the fact that SN posts are just opinions.... and everyone has different circumstances and forces informing all their decisions. Different people... different solutions. This seems self evident.

+++

I suppose a marriage also can have different formats so to speak. No reason for spouses to have identical interests. While this may seem terrific at first... it may not be the best. Speaking for myself I like different. My wife has different interests... many of them of little to no appeal to me. Some are and I learn from her and appreciate those pursuits. We share world view... ethics... almost cuisine preferences... and so on. She from a Hispanic background and her culture is news to me and I enjoy it.

I always was comfortable being alone... doing things alone. No fear of strangers or the new. Marriage for me means I lose the alone time... or much of it... but I gain something just as or at times more valuable. I have thought about some long sails. She would not go for any number of reasons. But she would not stop me from going either... as long as she could get on with out me. I don't think she would ever go sailing if we divorced or I died.

When my brother in law died... my sister declared her life was over. She been depressed for more than 10 yrs. And before her marriage she was a very independent person.

++++

1-In a marrige how do you work that out ?
discussion understanding respect consideration and compassion

2-Do you go independently and each do what they want?
your partner should not clip your wings but the reverse. Of course you must respect and honor your marriage vows.

3-Is there a compromise available?
Shouldn't be a compromise where each gives up something that they can perfectly do without. You should always act to please your SO FIRST and yourself 2nd
4- If you are used to doing things together and don’t want to be apart for large periods of time , how do you manage that?
Learn (by practice) to do things apart and bring those experiences to the relationship. If you don't want to be apart then you will not be apart...
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pay attention... someone's life depends on it

Last edited by SanderO; 10-25-2019 at 02:12 PM.
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