Dave we agree on the fact that SN posts are just opinions.... and everyone has different circumstances and forces informing all their decisions. Different people... different solutions. This seems self evident.
I suppose a marriage also can have different formats so to speak. No reason for spouses to have identical interests. While this may seem terrific at first... it may not be the best. Speaking for myself I like different. My wife has different interests... many of them of little to no appeal to me. Some are and I learn from her and appreciate those pursuits. We share world view... ethics... almost cuisine preferences... and so on. She from a Hispanic background and her culture is news to me and I enjoy it.
I always was comfortable being alone... doing things alone. No fear of strangers or the new. Marriage for me means I lose the alone time... or much of it... but I gain something just as or at times more valuable. I have thought about some long sails. She would not go for any number of reasons. But she would not stop me from going either... as long as she could get on with out me. I don't think she would ever go sailing if we divorced or I died.
When my brother in law died... my sister declared her life was over. She been depressed for more than 10 yrs. And before her marriage she was a very independent person.
1-In a marrige how do you work that out ?
discussion understanding respect consideration and compassion
2-Do you go independently and each do what they want?
your partner should not clip your wings but the reverse. Of course you must respect and honor your marriage vows.
3-Is there a compromise available?
Shouldn't be a compromise where each gives up something that they can perfectly do without. You should always act to please your SO FIRST and yourself 2nd
4- If you are used to doing things together and donít want to be apart for large periods of time , how do you manage that?
Learn (by practice) to do things apart and bring those experiences to the relationship. If you don't want to be apart then you will not be apart...
Differences in how people see there marrige will lead to differences in how the questions I am asking are answered.
My wife has her own career. She was very independent when we met raising two children by herself. We have been married almost 15 years now.
We have differences of course. Professionally sheís a new born baby nurse in a big city hospital. Our differences are not about the deal breakers in a marrige which we define as morality, how we treat others, loyalty, respect, communication skills. We do not have the previous generations gender role model baggage.
We have learned that the sum of us together is far greater than each of us could ever be as individuals. That is specifically directed at emotions the closeness two people in real love have. We have found that the more time we are together the closer we are. Our success is being able to be together on a 35 ft boat for 3+ weeks and feel closer than before we left.
For us itís not a question of her limiting me by not wanting to be apart. I understand it. I have plenty of ďme timeĒ . I donít want to be apart from her for weeks at a time either. That may be different from others. Iím not sure Iíll say this so itís understandable. By being around each other we experience even the little things and nuances we bring to our conversations .
Less time would be less of that. Maybe others donít need that. We believe itís our success as a couple and builds layers to our love for each other
Her comments about cruising long term are
- that itís not enough variety. Always water, no mountains or plains
- loss of time with family and friends
- if health deteriorates she doesnít want to be confined to a boat
- no sense of community and security. Boat is always more dangerous than her house she says. From weather to intruders.
For us we have decided to do as some have suggested. Take the 3 week vacations we do now. Even 4. Do the LI Sound. Charter in Maine or the Caribbean. Keep up with the 3000nm a year we currently run. She told me thatís as much and more than many cruisers.
Branch onto another form of traveling together...RVing.
Contunue going to Hawaii for a couple weeks every 5 years. It where we married.
Cultivate and strengthen our friendships
Work has been the obstacle for the time we spend together as it is for others.