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post #31 of 39 Old 10-25-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

"It goes really to being apart for long periods of time. Iíve been married for 15 years. Second marriage after 17 years of divorce. She really is my partner and the love of my life. I canít really imagine being apart for weeks/ months while she stay in Maryland and I am in Florida and the Bahamas.

"I am not sure also whether I want to be apart from her. The success of our marriage has been our time spent together. While we both have complete freedom, we still are around each other."

You answered your own question. The first marriage failed. The second one works because of "time spent together." (I know that's way oversimplifying things.) And she doesn't want to do what you want to do.

I suggest you sail the Chesapeake on some, not all, weekends, and spend time with your wife at home. Sail together when it's convenient. There will be times when you can go on brief, week-long cruises that might suit her local social needs. But keep the "time spent together" a priority and keep it peaceful by not forcing unwanted activities.

My parents were married 60 years this year. My wife and I 34 years, working on many more. "First" marriages, "time spent together." In both cases I can attest that part of the success is togetherness, part is compatible thinking and interests, and part is "together" adventures, big and small. Unexpected adventures have been wonderful, but unwanted adventures have not been welcomed. (I also embrace the concept of always having a common enemy so there'll be no desire to turn on one another. ;-) )

We lived in Maryland, near D.C., until 2001 at age 41. You can find absolute peace, and high adventure, on the Chesapeake and the many nearby bodies of water. The full spectrum. And the best crabs and oysters. ;-) There is no reason to go anywhere else if there's even the slightest hint that it might cause problems in your marriage. It might not exactly match your dreams, but it might be good enough, and keep the marriage together and alive.

Disclaimer: I'm not sailing, yet. Still planning and learning. But we've both boated and sailed, and the planning is directed 100% on how can we do it together. My physical capabilities and her small handicaps, our advancing age (59/57), day sailing vs. overnight, etc. It must work for both of us or it will fail or we will fail.

For us that'll mean a trailer sailer with a modest head and cabin. Everything else will be a luxury. Sometimes we'll visit relatives in other states (e.g., Maryland), and trailering will be as much adventure for me as sailing.

Whatever you do, put family first and all else second and you'll have a fine time.

Regards,
GT
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

Quote:
Originally Posted by GeorgiaTerrapin View Post
"It goes really to being apart for long periods of time. Iíve been married for 15 years. Second marriage after 17 years of divorce. She really is my partner and the love of my life. I canít really imagine being apart for weeks/ months while she stay in Maryland and I am in Florida and the Bahamas.

"I am not sure also whether I want to be apart from her. The success of our marriage has been our time spent together. While we both have complete freedom, we still are around each other."

You answered your own question. The first marriage failed. The second one works because of "time spent together." (I know that's way oversimplifying things.) And she doesn't want to do what you want to do.

I suggest you sail the Chesapeake on some, not all, weekends, and spend time with your wife at home. Sail together when it's convenient. There will be times when you can go on brief, week-long cruises that might suit her local social needs. But keep the "time spent together" a priority and keep it peaceful by not forcing unwanted activities.

My parents were married 60 years this year. My wife and I 34 years, working on many more. "First" marriages, "time spent together." In both cases I can attest that part of the success is togetherness, part is compatible thinking and interests, and part is "together" adventures, big and small. Unexpected adventures have been wonderful, but unwanted adventures have not been welcomed. (I also embrace the concept of always having a common enemy so there'll be no desire to turn on one another. ;-) )

We lived in Maryland, near D.C., until 2001 at age 41. You can find absolute peace, and high adventure, on the Chesapeake and the many nearby bodies of water. The full spectrum. And the best crabs and oysters. ;-) There is no reason to go anywhere else if there's even the slightest hint that it might cause problems in your marriage. It might not exactly match your dreams, but it might be good enough, and keep the marriage together and alive.

Disclaimer: I'm not sailing, yet. Still planning and learning. But we've both boated and sailed, and the planning is directed 100% on how can we do it together. My physical capabilities and her small handicaps, our advancing age (59/57), day sailing vs. overnight, etc. It must work for both of us or it will fail or we will fail.

For us that'll mean a trailer sailer with a modest head and cabin. Everything else will be a luxury. Sometimes we'll visit relatives in other states (e.g., Maryland), and trailering will be as much adventure for me as sailing.

Whatever you do, put family first and all else second and you'll have a fine time.
Sounds good. It seems thatís how we have worked things out.


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Re: Cruising Single while Married

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Originally Posted by SanderO View Post
Dave we agree on the fact that SN posts are just opinions.... and everyone has different circumstances and forces informing all their decisions. Different people... different solutions. This seems self evident.

+++

I suppose a marriage also can have different formats so to speak. No reason for spouses to have identical interests. While this may seem terrific at first... it may not be the best. Speaking for myself I like different. My wife has different interests... many of them of little to no appeal to me. Some are and I learn from her and appreciate those pursuits. We share world view... ethics... almost cuisine preferences... and so on. She from a Hispanic background and her culture is news to me and I enjoy it.

I always was comfortable being alone... doing things alone. No fear of strangers or the new. Marriage for me means I lose the alone time... or much of it... but I gain something just as or at times more valuable. I have thought about some long sails. She would not go for any number of reasons. But she would not stop me from going either... as long as she could get on with out me. I don't think she would ever go sailing if we divorced or I died.

When my brother in law died... my sister declared her life was over. She been depressed for more than 10 yrs. And before her marriage she was a very independent person.

++++

1-In a marrige how do you work that out ?
discussion understanding respect consideration and compassion

2-Do you go independently and each do what they want?
your partner should not clip your wings but the reverse. Of course you must respect and honor your marriage vows.

3-Is there a compromise available?
Shouldn't be a compromise where each gives up something that they can perfectly do without. You should always act to please your SO FIRST and yourself 2nd
4- If you are used to doing things together and donít want to be apart for large periods of time , how do you manage that?
Learn (by practice) to do things apart and bring those experiences to the relationship. If you don't want to be apart then you will not be apart...
Differences in how people see there marrige will lead to differences in how the questions I am asking are answered.

My wife has her own career. She was very independent when we met raising two children by herself. We have been married almost 15 years now.

We have differences of course. Professionally sheís a new born baby nurse in a big city hospital. Our differences are not about the deal breakers in a marrige which we define as morality, how we treat others, loyalty, respect, communication skills. We do not have the previous generations gender role model baggage.

We have learned that the sum of us together is far greater than each of us could ever be as individuals. That is specifically directed at emotions the closeness two people in real love have. We have found that the more time we are together the closer we are. Our success is being able to be together on a 35 ft boat for 3+ weeks and feel closer than before we left.

For us itís not a question of her limiting me by not wanting to be apart. I understand it. I have plenty of ďme timeĒ . I donít want to be apart from her for weeks at a time either. That may be different from others. Iím not sure Iíll say this so itís understandable. By being around each other we experience even the little things and nuances we bring to our conversations .
Less time would be less of that. Maybe others donít need that. We believe itís our success as a couple and builds layers to our love for each other

Her comments about cruising long term are
- that itís not enough variety. Always water, no mountains or plains
- loss of time with family and friends
- if health deteriorates she doesnít want to be confined to a boat
- no sense of community and security. Boat is always more dangerous than her house she says. From weather to intruders.

For us we have decided to do as some have suggested. Take the 3 week vacations we do now. Even 4. Do the LI Sound. Charter in Maine or the Caribbean. Keep up with the 3000nm a year we currently run. She told me thatís as much and more than many cruisers.

Branch onto another form of traveling together...RVing.

Contunue going to Hawaii for a couple weeks every 5 years. It where we married.

Cultivate and strengthen our friendships

Work has been the obstacle for the time we spend together as it is for others.
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post #34 of 39 Old 10-26-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

We work together, cook, clean, do laundry, go grocery shopping together. We have never been more than an hour apart (and that is rare). Her smile is the first thing I see every morning and the last thing I see every night. My mission in life is to see that her smile is perpetual.
I cannot imagine going anywhere without her.
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The hysterical laughter you hear as you drive a way in your"new" boat ..... is the seller.
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post #35 of 39 Old 10-26-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

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Originally Posted by boatpoker View Post
We work together, cook, clean, do laundry, go grocery shopping together. We have never been more than an hour apart (and that is rare). Her smile is the first thing I see every morning and the last thing I see every night. My mission in life is to see that her smile is perpetual.
I cannot imagine going anywhere without her.

Boy do I get that! Mostly we move as a unit, a somewhat uncoordinated and and clumsy unit with a heavy whiff of bipolar but a unit none the less.

We are doing 6ish months on the big boat and 5 at our cabin in Newfoundland. I keep wanting to take a trip to Greenland, Iíve made 2 aborted attempts. Leaving her behind sucks, weighs heavily on me. I may make a third try this summer.

Donít know how it will work out. But then again, thatís part of the discovery. Taint easy, itís why we do it,no? Self discovery?

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post #36 of 39 Old 10-26-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

My wife flies to where I sail. The compromise. She likes it. I love it. Been married and cruising for 45 years and it works for us. Met a guy with "open marriage" While we were sailing together his wife was banging her boss. He stewed the whole time. Different strokes.
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post #37 of 39 Old 10-28-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

My wife is less of an active partner on the boat but goes with me in the summer on overnights. I'm 9 years older and semi-retired, she works full time as a flight attendant, which means she can fly free lots of places. I have a couple years before I'm fully retired but I've started thinking about how I"m going to do exactly what you're talking about. I think the solution for us is a combination of frequent phone contact and having her fly in every couple of weeks to various points. It may turn out, though, that the solution is I stay closer to home. My marriage is more important than my boat.
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post #38 of 39 Old 10-29-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

"So how much can we get for our house?" the fateful question uttered by my wife of now 40 years when we were aboard the boat of our dreams, a new design from Bill Crealock, at the Annapolis Boat Show in 1989. It was the year we gave up sailing, well into careers, starting family, buying a small farm (talking about buying boats almost seems smarter!). Something had to go and with us living near the Shenandoah National Park and no where near a large body of water, sailing disappeared from our lives until four years ago. We have been retired since 2011 and then started a new family business, also talk about questionable sanity! It was on our anniversary in October of 2015 while getting ready to go to a "Rivah" cottage in Deltaville Va., my wife caught me engaged in boat porn and asked if I wanted a boat again? I reached down and pulled out the same paper brochure we had received at the boat show in 1989 and stated what she really already knew, which was I had never stopped wanting one. She had stopped wanting one but knew it was something I had to do and gave it her blessing. She is quite comfortable with me going to the boat (actually we got the same boat from 1989!) without her and having some time apart (retired husband usually means twice the husband half the salary!), though we are heading down to her inna couple days and both looking forward to it. The OP asked about sailing single while married, our arrangement with simply being on the Chesapeake where we can be together or apart works well and she even said she could consider seeing us in the Bahamas some but has zero interest in long passages. Frankly our age and lack of sailing experiences the 25 years we were away from it has brought with it the realization that ship may have sailed.

Folks always are asking why do we spend time apart? The answer has been directly related to why we just celebrated our 40th anniversary, which did happen on our boat, which is: "I didn't marry Rick and Susan, I married Susan." We both need the time to continue to be the person that we found attractive to each other and that happens not only together but apart. I hope this perspective will help the OP with their question.

Meanwhile, a quick comment about the "best place for your boat". In our little corner of the world most everyone uses a slip for home base and then on the hook for time away with the occasional marina stop. There are frankly few if any moorings around, at least on our part of the bay, and with 11,000+ miles of shoreline and hundreds of little creeks, and bays on the Chesapeake it is easy to find an inexpensive slip or a secluded night on the hook. We are fortunate but nothing has ever been stolen from a boat either in the water or the yard at our little sailboat marina in the 25 years it has existed. Truly the "right" place is probably where you find yourself! We find ourselves here: http://www.regentpointmarina.com
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

Quote:
Originally Posted by Interlude View Post
"So how much can we get for our house?" the fateful question uttered by my wife of now 40 years when we were aboard the boat of our dreams, a new design from Bill Crealock, at the Annapolis Boat Show in 1989. It was the year we gave up sailing, well into careers, starting family, buying a small farm (talking about buying boats almost seems smarter!). Something had to go and with us living near the Shenandoah National Park and no where near a large body of water, sailing disappeared from our lives until four years ago. We have been retired since 2011 and then started a new family business, also talk about questionable sanity! It was on our anniversary in October of 2015 while getting ready to go to a "Rivah" cottage in Deltaville Va., my wife caught me engaged in boat porn and asked if I wanted a boat again? I reached down and pulled out the same paper brochure we had received at the boat show in 1989 and stated what she really already knew, which was I had never stopped wanting one. She had stopped wanting one but knew it was something I had to do and gave it her blessing. She is quite comfortable with me going to the boat (actually we got the same boat from 1989!) without her and having some time apart (retired husband usually means twice the husband half the salary!), though we are heading down to her inna couple days and both looking forward to it. The OP asked about sailing single while married, our arrangement with simply being on the Chesapeake where we can be together or apart works well and she even said she could consider seeing us in the Bahamas some but has zero interest in long passages. Frankly our age and lack of sailing experiences the 25 years we were away from it has brought with it the realization that ship may have sailed.

Folks always are asking why do we spend time apart? The answer has been directly related to why we just celebrated our 40th anniversary, which did happen on our boat, which is: "I didn't marry Rick and Susan, I married Susan." We both need the time to continue to be the person that we found attractive to each other and that happens not only together but apart. I hope this perspective will help the OP with their question.

Meanwhile, a quick comment about the "best place for your boat". In our little corner of the world most everyone uses a slip for home base and then on the hook for time away with the occasional marina stop. There are frankly few if any moorings around, at least on our part of the bay, and with 11,000+ miles of shoreline and hundreds of little creeks, and bays on the Chesapeake it is easy to find an inexpensive slip or a secluded night on the hook. We are fortunate but nothing has ever been stolen from a boat either in the water or the yard at our little sailboat marina in the 25 years it has existed. Truly the "right" place is probably where you find yourself! We find ourselves here: http://www.regentpointmarina.com
Awesome story!! We are in Deltaville as well at Stingray Point Marina and we are in the GREATEST sailing area in the world as far as I am concerned
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