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post #1 of 39 Old 10-22-2019 Thread Starter
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Cruising Single while Married

This question is really for married/ long term significant other sailors who have thought about extended cruising without their spouse/ partner.

I have thought about taking Haleakula down to St Augustine / Lake Worth area once we retire and do some sailing in the winter including going over to the Bahamas . I could comfortably live on her for a number of months.

My wife does not want this as she like doing vacations of 3 plus weeks but doesnít want to commit to being apart for at least weeks at a time. She doesnít think she will stay down there for the winter.

It goes really to being apart for long periods of time. Iíve been married for 15 years. Second marriage after 17 years of divorce. She really is my partner and the love of my life. I canít really imagine being apart for weeks/ months while she stay in Maryland and I am in Florida and the Bahamas.

I am not sure also whether I want to be apart from her. The success of our marriage has been our time spent together. While we both have complete freedom, we still are around each other.

I have done deliveries/ long trips down to the Caribbean Islands with friends. Have done the Caribbean 1500 a number of times. Thatís the longest weíve actually been apart.

This speaks to us being together. I understand thatís itís also about the time we spend being quality time, which it already is. This will cut into our time together. Itís not about her allowing me the freedom to do this either. Our time on Haleakula is usually as a couple. Our experiences are shared as couple memories. We are both healthy so itís not about her limiting me because of any disabilities.

I am not even thinking of asking her about this yet as I havenít even decided thatís itís something I want to do. I donít even know if I want to really be apart from her that long or whether I want these sailing experiences without her. I have done this already when I was single those 17 years.

Maybe I could use Haleakula as a winter base where we fly down and stay together for weeks at a time driving one of our three cars down there and leaving it.

What am I missing here?
How do you stay close yet apart for the long periods of physically apart?
Do I risk harming our ď newly marriedĒ relationship weíve had after 15 years?
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post #2 of 39 Old 10-22-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

She does not want to try joining you because... why?


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post #3 of 39 Old 10-22-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

Everyone's marriage is different. I has a bunch of them and this is the only one that lasts. Wifey is wonderful... but she's human and not perfect.

I have no problems... being alone... doing some things alone... I prefer her company but she also has commitments to her children and grandchildren. Neither of us travel for biz so we've not been separated for more than a few days... usually when I spend time on the boat and she remains for whatever reason.

She wants to go to Europe and I have encouraged her to go with her daughter. But that's not happening because of the new baby.

If I sailed the boat to the Caribe for wintering... she would not come along. That would end up being more than a few weeks. She hasn't objected.

We love to be together but I never felt I needed to have no separations for good cause. Being independent is a good thing.
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post #4 of 39 Old 10-22-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

First year we had this boat I retired but wife kept working. I sailed sdr to BVIs she stayed home. We really missed each other in spite of her flying down repetitively. A few weeks apart is no biggie but months is just hard. Phone/Facebook etc. is a poor substitute.
Missed just being in the same general space even when not interacting. Hated sleeping alone.
She retired the second year we had the boat. Either she or I may go off with friends for a weekend or a weeks trip but otherwise weíre pretty much in sight of each other 24/7. Feels good.
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post #5 of 39 Old 10-22-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

I’m a single sailor and have been for the last decade so haven’t had to worry about this scenario, but I met several cruising couples last year on my way to the Bahamas and while there that had worked out this issue by splitting their boat time....most instances the husband would deliver the boat to the cruising grounds, sometimes solo and sometimes with friends and family, and the wife would fly in and and they would spend cruising season together. At the end of the season hubby would do the return trip home on the boat and the wife would fly back.

Doesn’t seem like a bad gig if your wife enjoys time on the boat boat but isn’t up for doing long passages.....
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post #6 of 39 Old 10-22-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

My gal and I have been together for 37 years. We met in New York but, she got transferred to Washington D.C. after a year. But, we kept up the relationship on weekends. We are not technically married. We both had high pressure and long day jobs so the weekday hours (in my case nights) were filled with working. But, we did communicate and call each other several times a day. Including morning and for a Good Night call. She has her own interests and I have mine. She likes to teach in retirement. I like a more serendipitous schedule. She does not want to live on a boat but, will charter a Catamaran in between her teaching gigs in winter. This works for me. So I don't feel the urge to take my boat south in winters. We also spend several weeks every summer out on the east end of Long Island on a beach as well as most holidays together.

I really like the freedom in our relationship. It might not work for everyone but, it has for us. The thing that is most important is that we communicate several times a day. She has friends who are complaining about how their recently retired husbands are driving them crazy now that they are home together all the time. We don't have that problem in our relationship. Also remember at some point one of the people in a relationship will eventually be alone without the others companionship. So you need to make peace with that too at some point.
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Last edited by mbianka; 10-22-2019 at 07:17 PM.
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post #7 of 39 Old 10-22-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

Read ďA Passage to JuneauĒ before heading out on this trip.
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post #8 of 39 Old 10-22-2019 Thread Starter
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

Quote:
Originally Posted by eherlihy View Post
She does not want to try joining you because... why?
She will do some time, but doesnít want to give up friends , likes the house we have downsized to, and has other things she wants to do together.

She really enjoys the boat and is an active partner in it.


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post #9 of 39 Old 10-23-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

The think there are as many solutions as couples, well maybe a few fewer solutions.

We are both on our second marriages. We are very devoted to one another and detest being apart. She would get sick looking at a water color. We lived in Center City Philadelphia for 30 years, and I came to deeply detest the place.

Many years of marriage counseling, some of it very poor until we found the right one, saved our marriage. We made a series of compromises. I worked some years longer, but at part time. She worked some years less. We try to keep our sails to no more than an overnight. She has done tremendously well at learning how to manage her sickness.

It’s a struggle man. But like many things truly worthwhile, it’s valuable because it’s rare and difficult. We are now doing OK. And together.

I have a big trip I really want to do where she won’t be able to come. Tried this year and had to turn back. May try again next summer, we will see.
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post #10 of 39 Old 10-23-2019
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Re: Cruising Single while Married

If you have to look for reasons why it's okay to do something, it probably isn't.
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