Developing Courage - Managing Fear - Page 3 - SailNet Community
 66Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
post #21 of 54 Old 10-11-2016 Thread Starter
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 27
Thanks: 0
Thanked 6 Times in 4 Posts
Rep Power: 0
 
Re: Developing Courage - Managing Fear

Yes, we sail our Pearson Flyer nearly every weekend. She knew she had to throttle it up to get it back into the wind when I was dousing the main. She did fine, it was later when we were home she started talking about her fears. She asked me how to manage those fears and act in spite of them. I told her fear keeps you safe. I think the impending voyage, which we talk about constantly and dream of every day and every night is amplifying her feelings as she thinks about handling a boat much bigger and 4 times the displacement. Of course we will have lots of things like a wheel, cockpit enclosure, windlass, roller furling, engine controls not hanging off the stern, and lazy jacks that are going to multiply her (and my) muscle power.

Our plan is to sell the current boat, buy a 40 foot something in the spring, spend most of next summer outfitting plus sailing locally and plan to leave for Central/South America next fall hopefully in the Ha Ha. We are retiring in March. We've been married 3 years. We live now in a very small apartment in northern Baja and sail out of San Diego. She is a MX national, bilingual, very petite, she is very excited to go. Of course I am asking her to drop everything and sail away from friends, family and her world. She is very excited and proud to be doing that. This is nothing new, we've been planning it for 4 years, its getting close now that our boat is up for sale.

We love each other and get along fine, we talk about everything, including this thread. She has some other fears such as she highly avoids the sun and is very afraid of social situations especially with gringos even though her English is fine (she is qualified as a MX English teacher in MX high school). She did not know how to drive when I met her, I taught her to drive, now she drives all over even across the border to the marina, in an old Ford Explorer I gave her. Try doing that and stay married. I also taught her to swim in the marina pool. She is highly adaptable, a great cook, used to tight spaces, and willing to use a portipotty (on the current boat). She came up with the idea for our current boat shower (a small inflatable pool we blow up an put on the salon floor, followed by a bucket shower (we call it good clean fun). She never gets seasick. She loves to read and could sail to hell as long as a movie was playing down below. She's highly curious and wants to know how everything works.
CalebD likes this.
SlyMcFly is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #22 of 54 Old 10-11-2016
One of None
 
deniseO30's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Bristol pa
Posts: 8,043
Thanks: 85
Thanked 193 Times in 181 Posts
Rep Power: 14
   
Re: Developing Courage - Managing Fear

Sounds like you are talking about a puppy. She can't speak for herself? Hey girl sound off!! Yeah, that bothers me, (and probably no one else.) An alpha male speaking for his lady what is wrong with that? EVERYTHING!

"Next best thing to not having a boat? The knowledge from having one!" Denise, Bristol PA, On Tidal Delaware River, Anchor Yacht Club.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

My last project!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Last edited by deniseO30; 10-11-2016 at 03:35 PM.
deniseO30 is offline  
post #23 of 54 Old 10-11-2016
The most female moderator
 
Donna_F's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: SE Pennsylvania
Posts: 5,856
Thanks: 147
Thanked 300 Times in 271 Posts
Rep Power: 10
 
Dock
Re: Developing Courage - Managing Fear

Quote:
Originally Posted by deniseO30 View Post
she can't speak for herself? Hey girl sound off!!
I think it was smart to throw the husband to the wolves first. If he returned with no blood and bruises, everything's OK.

If Mrs. McFly is on Facebook, there is a VERY active and supportive Women Who Sail group she may be interested in.
zeehag likes this.

Donna


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Catalina 30 TRBS
Rock Hall, MD
KB3ZCB

If you're helping someone and expecting something in return, you're doing business not kindness.
Donna_F is offline  
post #24 of 54 Old 10-11-2016
Mermaid Hunter
 
SVAuspicious's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: on the boat - Chesapeake
Posts: 5,687
Thanks: 0
Thanked 275 Times in 246 Posts
Rep Power: 13
 
Re: Developing Courage - Managing Fear

Quote:
Originally Posted by SlyMcFly View Post
We talked about this last night, she is pleased I started this thread.
You asked for women to respond and have gotten a lot of male input. Sailors are not well behaved.

I'll be no better. *grin*

In my opinion, however you got there, you have accomplished a lot be fostering communication with your wife. That is good. She knows you have noticed and you care. That will make it easier for her to more clearly share her feelings and concerns so you can address them together.

I have one suggestion for you. Charter a boat more like what you anticipate somewhere really beautiful. Give both of you a chance to understand the differences. Wheel steering, autopilot, furling headsail, possibly furling main and certainly a sail cover. Spend a little more and get a generator. Your goals are to give your wife a solid reference point and lay a foundation for discussions about priorities.
SanderO likes this.

sail fast and eat well, dave S/V Auspicious

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

beware "cut and paste" sailors


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
SVAuspicious is offline  
post #25 of 54 Old 10-11-2016
One of None
 
deniseO30's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Bristol pa
Posts: 8,043
Thanks: 85
Thanked 193 Times in 181 Posts
Rep Power: 14
   
Re: Developing Courage - Managing Fear

Good read here
Disappearing Women: Women Who Get Lost in Relationships -
it may not really pertain to sailing But it is a Womyn's forum Here y'all decide.

And yeah the guy's love strutting round on hersailnet ( mental pic of foghorn Leghorn)
zeehag and Sal Paradise like this.

"Next best thing to not having a boat? The knowledge from having one!" Denise, Bristol PA, On Tidal Delaware River, Anchor Yacht Club.
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

My last project!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

Last edited by deniseO30; 10-11-2016 at 04:53 PM.
deniseO30 is offline  
post #26 of 54 Old 10-11-2016
snake charmer, cat herder
 
zeehag's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: refitting a formosa in exotic tropical locations....
Posts: 2,617
Thanks: 11
Thanked 49 Times in 49 Posts
Rep Power: 11
 
Send a message via Yahoo to zeehag Send a message via Skype™ to zeehag
Re: Developing Courage - Managing Fear

so, auspicious, me n denise n donna are what, chopped liver??h ah aha ha ha ha ha


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

formosa 41, cruising tropics


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
zeehag is online now  
post #27 of 54 Old 10-11-2016
Kynntana (Freedom 38)
 
gamayun's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Oakland
Posts: 970
Thanks: 21
Thanked 51 Times in 51 Posts
Rep Power: 11
 
Re: Developing Courage - Managing Fear

You know, part of this could be cultural in which the woman takes her cues from the man and accepts/goes along with their lead. While the OP states that she is adventurous and learning new things (kudos to her), it might also be that she implicitly trusts him when she's doing these things, but she's also just one step away from falling apart if he is not there to give her her strength/confidence/support/etc. If the OP truly wants to have an equal sailing partner, he needs to figure out how to let her take the lead and she will gain this confidence as she learns to handle the boat. This might mean that she and her family/friends/experienced others/etc., take the boat out without him so she can truly own it and not be told what to do. Courage is created by building confidence through independent thinking....
Donna_F and deniseO30 like this.

Last edited by gamayun; 10-12-2016 at 12:10 PM. Reason: Inspired by recent comments from Ruth Bader Ginsburg (aka Notorious R.B.G.) about how to raise strong daughters
gamayun is offline  
post #28 of 54 Old 10-11-2016
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2,815
Thanks: 1
Thanked 40 Times in 39 Posts
Rep Power: 13
 
Re: Developing Courage - Managing Fear

I agree with Denise, 20 knots of wind, no traffic around, want your wife to be comfortable; just heave-to, stop the boat, ease the main and lower it. everything calms down, boat stays flat, stays put, and no one has to steer. Drama is often self-inflicted.

Under more moderate conditions, which probably isn't 20 knots of wind, you can then practice together the steps to reef while underway and switch off roles. Just practice it when the winds are 5-10 untll it becomes routine. My 2 cents fwiw
tempest is online now  
post #29 of 54 Old 10-12-2016
The most female moderator
 
Donna_F's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: SE Pennsylvania
Posts: 5,856
Thanks: 147
Thanked 300 Times in 271 Posts
Rep Power: 10
 
Dock
Re: Developing Courage - Managing Fear

Sounds like there may be cultural differences that might lead to challenges with asking a general population forum for advice.

Donna


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 10 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Catalina 30 TRBS
Rock Hall, MD
KB3ZCB

If you're helping someone and expecting something in return, you're doing business not kindness.
Donna_F is offline  
post #30 of 54 Old 10-12-2016
Bristol 45.5 - AiniA
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 4,526
Thanks: 5
Thanked 124 Times in 112 Posts
Rep Power: 14
 
Re: Developing Courage - Managing Fear

I think you have received some incredibly good advice here. This seems like one of the best threads on SN in a very long time. My wife came into sailing late in life and is also not very big (she is Chinese) but quite athletic. I have been sailing for more than 40 years. She is not someone who tends to stay in the background and defer to me. Right from the start she wanted to know how everything worked and I encouraged her in this. She is a technical person by training (PhD in engineering physics) and quickly was asking questions about the engine and other systems that I did not know the answer to so we worked things out and did research together. She can and has sailed the boat (40,000 lbs) by herself (once for several days going from Easter Island to Pitcairn) when I was out of it with staph infections on my legs and taking antibiotics and pain killers) but it is set up for it with reliable furlers for genoa and main. We also have big winches (primaries are Lewmar 65) so she brings in the rather large genoa we use without a problem. Think about this when you are looking for a big boat. Many have inadequate winches and the damn things are ridiculously expensive if you have to replace what comes on the boat. Over time we have developed job specializations. I drive the boat when we dock and she jumps off with lines. This works best because she is more agile than I am. When we anchor she does the dropping while I drive; when we lift the anchor it is the reverse since sometimes the windlass needs some help to get the anchor turned and stowed and it is heavy and I am stronger. I do the navigation and most of the weather planning just because it is easier for me (university trained in geography). She is just as comfortable going up the mast as I am. You work these things out, but it must be an equal partnership and not something you are doing with her help.

After the refit we have decided to sell Ainia. We want something smaller that would be could for the light summer winds of Lake Ontario, although we plan to spend at least a couple of winters in the Caribbean before heading north.
killarney_sailor is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

By choosing to post the reply above you agree to the rules you agreed to when joining Sailnet.
Click Here to view those rules.

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on the SailNet Community forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
Please note: After entering 3 characters a list of Usernames already in use will appear and the list will disappear once a valid Username is entered.


User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in











Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page



Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Developing Nighttime Sailing skills gbm4th General Discussion (sailing related) 30 08-22-2013 02:19 PM
Training and Developing Crew ccriders General Discussion (sailing related) 29 11-05-2012 01:08 PM
Painting deck - developing a budget patrscoe General Discussion (sailing related) 10 06-13-2011 07:52 AM
The courage to follow her dreams - Ottawa Citizen NewsReader News Feeds 0 04-15-2006 08:16 AM
Developing a Pre-Cruising Agreement Sue & Larry Her Sailnet Articles 0 04-07-2004 08:00 PM

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome