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post #1 of 63 Old 09-22-2016 Thread Starter
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Can't get husband on board with cruising

Good morning,
I don't seem to be thick skinned enough to be in the online community (been burned before on CF among other places just for asking what I thought was a simple question), but after reading the generally civil discourse here on Sailnet, I am going to give it one more--maybe one [I]last[I] attempt.
I am a 42 year old female, exceedingly happy married, with two wonderful children. We are currently looking for a boat in the 32 to 36 foot range to weekend on in the Chesapeake Bay. We have some experience but are excited to learn more, and to share a lifelong dream with the kids.
Now, the issue at hand is this: "lifelong dream" seems to have different definitions in our household. I guess I'm just impulsive, but when I read sentences like "Just go!" and "Life is too short!" it really resonates with me. We have savings. I have the kind of job where I could leave to go cruising--for a year, for maybe 5, maybe more--and find employment fairly easily in the US if needed. My wonderful, practical, over-thinking, supersmart, financially conservative husband, on the other hand...well, I only half-kiddingly call him my Dream Crusher. He doesn't have a problem with weekending, maybe taking a week here or there for a more extended trip. I can't get him to see things from my angle. It's like we're trapped by our security in this suburban life, and I don't want to just stay here and work til I die. He shows me spreadsheets, and talks about all the financial freedom we'll have in 10 years or so when our youngest graduates from high school. But that's TEN YEARS. Not only do I not want to wait, but I want to get out there with our kids!
I know I'm not the only one in this situation. How do you come to terms with it? Sorry this post is kind of convoluted; I get a little spun up when I'm thinking about this. Thanks for any advice or commiseration.
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post #2 of 63 Old 09-22-2016
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Re: Can't get husband on board with cruising

You say you're looking to buy. Does this mean you haven't owned a boat before? If so, that's a tough one, he may not be able to envision it all until it's actually happening. Especially if he is a linear thinker. Which is sort of a pickle isn't it?

Have you chartered together?
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post #3 of 63 Old 09-22-2016
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Re: Can't get husband on board with cruising

Welcome to SailNet.

We don't know much about you and you're asking for opinions so what we suggest may not work for you.

You say you have some experience. Great. Keep sailing - other people's boats and charters. A charter in the BVI for the whole family will certainly be fun and provide some insight into getting along on a boat.

There is a great deal to be said for a bunch of weekend and week-long sailing as part of preparing to go cruising.

Depending on what your professions are many people can stay engaged while cruising. Communications is key.

You might start now doing research on home-schooling. How old are you kids?

The SSCA Annapolis Gam is coming up https://ssca.org/dashboard/#/annapolisgam/ . You might want to come.

dave

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post #4 of 63 Old 09-22-2016
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Re: Can't get husband on board with cruising

This isn't really about sailing. You could substitute "sailing" with just about anything. You two have different life goals. So I think the obvious answer is you need to find a compromise. Or don't, and go on your own, but it doesn't sound like that's part of the dream.
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post #5 of 63 Old 09-22-2016
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Re: Can't get husband on board with cruising

Take it one step at a time, Nota. Get a boat, start sailing, start doing overnight trips, gradually spending more time on the boat. Maybe your husband gets to like it. If not, at least you tried. There is no way to force anybody to radically change their lifestyle. You would not want it done to you either. But if you guys have a great time on the boat, chances are he will change his mind about long term cruising. If not, I'm available.
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post #6 of 63 Old 09-22-2016
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Re: Can't get husband on board with cruising

Some people like eggplant... others don't.
it does no good to keep on telling the person who doesn't like eggplant : "But its sooooo yummy!" They'll just look at you like you're nuts. (because you are for trying to force your likes/dislikes on them.

He doesn't want the cramped cruising life. He wants a nice roomy house that doesn't bounce around when the speedboats ignore the no wake zone signs.
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post #7 of 63 Old 09-22-2016
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First of all, I wouldn't worry about getting burned here, CF is ultra elitist, these folks seem much much nicer. I find over there if you don't rub elbows with the Pardeys or Harald V they intentionally make it uncomfortable for you. It really should be called YF- for Yachting Forum. Here you get differences of opinion yes, but not nasty just for kicks.

I don't think you are at all alone in your situation, it's quite common, I have had many of the same issues as you.

I don't have a solution for you, but maybe a couple of ideas to try? You could take him on a nice sailing charter vacation to Antigua or somewhere. After spending a week floating around English Harbour he might be a little more excited about the idea.

You could try buying a boat and living aboard during the summer months, it is very likely to grow on him, it's a pretty enjoyable life style.

Get him to watch Captain Ron if he hasn't already, I bet that movie has inspired more people to go cruising then any other piece of modern art.
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post #8 of 63 Old 09-22-2016 Thread Starter
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Re: Can't get husband on board with cruising

Many thanks for the thoughtful replies. I know I didn't tell you too much about our situation, I was just trying to get my feelings down and posted.
Yes, we have experience, we've owned a boat before--lived on it and sailed on the Left Coast, taken ASA101-103. Having experience and being experienced are two different things, of course, but we're no dummies and we're excited to learn. We are in between boats, but looking.
It really seems to be a matter of degree. I am more "all in," he's more "crawl before you walk." He loves sailing as much as I do, and has the chops to be a great fixer of electrical/mechanical systems on any boat we get. It's just that we have talked so exhaustively over the years about cruising, read books, even came very close to making a big move and living aboard again...only to come to an abrupt halt when faced with the financial realities. I have a great job, make good money, excellent security...which is why it's a trap! In a backwards way, if we had less, we'd have less to give up.
I think the reason I am asking all this is because I suspect that more often than not, the roles are reversed, and the sailing wives are the tough sells on the cruising life. I don't hear too much about the husband being reluctant to embrace the uncertainty of such a big change.
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post #9 of 63 Old 09-22-2016
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Re: Can't get husband on board with cruising

welcome to the other group of rowdies... nicer rowdies and fewer bullies than cf, btw....
as for your issues with hubby-- as far as i can see-- get a good weekender boat, mebbe an ericson 35, and sail the hell out of it. have fun. do weekends and short lil adventures. let the pure enjoyment of sailing happen. often as possible.
as kids grow so do long term plans. donot say much--just do htis and see how hubby dearest develops. there are many places to spend a couple of days with good sailing and adventuring.. make fun and enjoyment.
learn how to repair diesels and do electrical work so he is not burdened by the needs of the boat, and enjoy it. be happy.
happiness is contagious.


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post #10 of 63 Old 09-22-2016
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Re: Can't get husband on board with cruising

We see more and more "commuter cruisers" out here every year. These folks still have the house, the white picket fence and the minivan, though most are beyond the soccer mom stage. More like the grand parents stage. They come down and sail X number of months a year then go back to their 'real' lives the rest of the time.
I agree with those above who suggest you begin with some charters and progress from there. If you do buy a boat now, buy a newer one in good very condition and well maintained. The quickest way to turn off someone on the edge of boating is the constant hassle and expense of repairs, and often older boats have more of those.
Good luck.
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