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No, see, funny would be if the guy on the foredeck was holding up a big sign that said "I HAVE FRESH DONUTS" and the USCG told the reporter "We're not cops, we don't make donut runs."

So many ways they could go beyond "not yet".
 

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Water Lover
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I think the Onion writer has an outdated idea of what the US Coast Guard does and doesn't do, and that the reality is closer to the Onion story than the writer realizes. The USCG isn't in the business of doing routine tows when there is no imminent danger to a vessel or people on board or other waterway users, but rather lets commercial towers do the work. But it sounds as though the Onion writer is trying to parody an era of USCG towing service that has long since expired.
 

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Bristol 45.5 - AiniA
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Hellosailor, don't give up your day job thinking that you have a future in comedy writing. No one is saying the Onion post is more than amusing but your try just doesn't work.
 

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Kynntana (Freedom 38)
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What's truly unfunny is that I saw this on a post on FaceBook and someone actually thought it was a true situation. Kinda like when Congress got bamboozled by an Onion article not too long ago...stuff happens, ya know, and if it's posted on the internet, then it must be true.
 

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That's OK Killarney, even Jay Leno's writers need more than ten seconds and one try to prove a punch line can exist.

As to the Onion's writers...I think that story proves they are all already on summer vacation and someone left the monkeys randomly punching keyboards, trying to spontaneously duplicate Shakespeare.

A little photoshopping...a CG machine gunner...See now, they could have also gone with "Dance, cowboy! I said dance!"

So many ways to go.

"He didn't start waving until 5:01 and we go off shift at five o'clock"

Hey, Letterman gets paid to read worse on his Top Ten lists!
 

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Reminds me of an exchange we overheard on the VHF between a yacht and the Coasties in the San Juan Islands:

(Female voice) Mayday, Mayday, Mayday, Sailing vessel (Name) (Approximate position) We're, uh drifting toward the rocks and our engine won't start.

Sailing vessel - - - Coast Guard Sector- - - -Do you have sails?

Um, yes, but there is no wind.

Coast Guard sector - - - Do you have an anchor?

Sailing vessel - - -Yes...I think so.

Coast Guard sector--- why don't you set the anchor?

The rope is too short... the water is too deep. We're drifting on to the rocks.

Coast guard sector - - - Break-Break: Any vessel vicinity (Position) please render assistance to Sailing vessel - - -

:cool:
 
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