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Why are pirates called pirates?

They just arrrrrrre.

*********

What do you call a group of crows?

A murder.

What do you call one crow?

Attempted murder.
 

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formerly: flyingwelshman
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Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world.

Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains. However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, and then lock it back up. After, he would go about his daily duties.

For years this went on, and his crew became very curious. Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.

One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains’ quarters. He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and... The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper, two on two lines:

Port Left

Starboard Right
 

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the working class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." The little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has soiled his diaper. The little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while capitalism is screwing the working class, the government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored and the future is in deep ****."
 

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S2 7.9 Bear Lake, UT
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There was a man named Tim who was tired of living in the big city. One day, he decided he was going to become more in touch with nature and move out to somewhere he could live out on the open land. He decided he would move to Scotland. So he did. He found a beautiful spot and built himself a house. He lived there for a while, and really liked the change. However, eventually, he started to get lonely. One day, there was a knock on the door. The man was shocked at first, he hadn't seen or heard from a single soul since he first moved. He rushed to the door, opening it he saw an obviously drunk Scotsman. Tim let the man in and then asked him "what brings you out here?" The man responded "I'm holding a party, and I'm inviting everyone I can find." Tim told the man "well I would be glad to go, I haven't seen a single person since I moved here. I must ask, what is your name?" The Scot's name was David. Tim then asked him "what will be happening at this party?" David responded enthusiastically "there will be ale, and lots of it!" Tim laughed and said "well of course, we are in Scotland. What else?" David puffed out his chest and said "there's gonna be a fight. A good old fashioned brawl." Tim looked up with a grin "well I do love a good fight. What else will be at this get together?" David then told him "there's going to be sex, lots of it." This got Tim in a wonderful mood, he hadn't seen a woman in ages. As David left he looked at Tim and told him "but as we live in the middle of nowhere, we will be the only ones there."
 

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Young city slicker on walkabout hires on at a very remote logging camp. Foreman shows him around. The bunkhouse ,,clean and tidy. Mess was incredible ,food to die for... all the workers friendly and smiling. Pretty impressed,he asks the foreman 'But what do you do for ,you know, sex? No problem,he says, you just put your member in the hole in this barrel. Go ahead, try it.. He does and 'wow, thats fantastic' Yup,sez the foreman ,Every day but tuesday'. Why,what happens tuesday? Well lad,sez the foreman, tuesday's your turn in the barrel.
 

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God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten man. My roommate is 95 and has always had his own radio, but before I received one, he would never let me listen to his, even when he was napping.

The other day his radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and he was in tears. His distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. He asked if he could listen to mine, and I told him to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity.
 

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So John is proofreading the Revelation that God dictated to him. He is reading it back to God to make sure he got it right.

John: "At the end times, the angels with flaming swords will cut down the harlots and the unbelievers. Their blood will run up to the horses bridle.
You will know the end is near because of the sound of the trumpets."

God: "Pretty close but the end is near because of Tump / Pence."

John: "That's what I said trumpets."

God: "Close enough they will figure it out."
 

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Sad if only part true .Meanwhile the world as we knew it is at risk and the reins are loosely held by loose cannons and their lackeys.Doubt if 'God' is part of it. Pray as the water rises as if it will help. What a joke, in case you have lost your sense of humour.
 

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.In the search for exotic strains of yeast for producing trendy new brews and baked goods, modern prospectors are spreading out across the marinas of suburban hinterland in search of men with beards. No gold panning needed, just a comb and scissors. and fortunes to be made. Many rare species of endangered yeast may yet be saved from extinction and previously unknown genetic strains brought to light by artisan breweries across our nation.
 

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I have had second thoughts about my booking of hotel Accommodations at the Native American community........

In other words.....

I have reservations about my reservation on the reservation
 

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Warning If someone comes to your door saying they are checking for tics due to the warming weather and ask you to take off your clothes and dance around with your arms up Don't . This is a scam . I wish I'd read this yesterday, I feel so stupid.
 
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