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On board conflicts

12K views 28 replies 13 participants last post by  Klazien1711 
#1 ·
Hi everyone,
I am a Swedish woman, living in Sweden and currently writing a book about common causes of on board conflicts. As you know, there are thousands of books on technical boat issues, but very little has been written about what really happens when people share such a small space as a boat. My book will deal with expectations, gender roles, leadership, fear and secuity, coming home again and more.

I´m writing this, hoping that you would like to contribute by sharing your own conflict experiences or those of others. This book will provide important information to those preparing to cruise for a longer period of time as well as those going for shorter cruises. My aim, of course, is to prepare future cruisers for difficulties that may arise when going cruising.
Please get in touch with me for more information. I am looking forward to your e-mail!
Kind regards
Marie Blomqvist
 
Discussion starter · #2 ·
Hi Marie,
If you would like to make contact with me? I have been at sea for 22 months, sailed only with girls and have completed 300 miles : Keys, Cuba, Exumas and Abaco, hurricane Floyd survivor...What do you want to know??
Mike
 
Discussion starter · #6 ·
This message board is horrible. I have replied but I can''t see my reply to you.
(in my past reply I should have said 3000 miles over 22 months). Of course in an ideal world we should be able to sort out before hand characture mismarches - but sailing, sailing in confined spaces, owner with mate, who does what, the ground rules, etc: are all frought with problems. You can imagine, in 22 months - there is not enough space here to give you my experiences. If anyone is interested, e-mail to ''moredazeoff@yahoo.co.uk'' (this is my land-based PC) and I can expand as required. I''m 53, single, hetro, very GSH, non-smoker, drinking, dancing and good time guy - sailing is now my prefered way of life - so just ask away.............
 
Discussion starter · #10 ·
Have any ladies out there had any trouble with thier husbands/boyfriends that try to control every little detail on the boat and your left standing...saying duuuuhhh what DO I DO????? Even as far as the decorating is concerned in the cabin AND not putting any of woman''s magazines (that isn''t about sailing ...of course) in the chart box when docked.

Let me give an example....when we go sailing "he" puts up the sails, "he"lefts anchor, "he" is at the helm and so forth... I want to learn all this and he knows it! BUT he insists on doing it at the time. When we are home, he has always said he wants me to learn but when we are out there..its a different story. Yes...I have said many times that I want to help but he leads me on and then I never do get too. I feel like a little child, but if we are going to make a lifestyle of sailing..I need to learn!

Any suggestions or advice from you experienced ladies who has dealt with this kind of problem is greatly appreciated! In other words....HEEEeeelllp! We are preparing to move permantly on our(his) boat in Oct.

P.S. This is his first marriage at the age of 38 and has always done adventures on his own, alone!
 
Discussion starter · #11 ·
This could have been my wife 26 years ago.

There is no hope. I am still the same. She just sit''s back and lets me do everything.

She got to pick the new cushions however.
 
Discussion starter · #12 ·
Thank you MikeMoss for your reply. Although, I want to do more then just sit back. I suppose I''ll have to be patient and persistant at the same time.....least your wife got to pick out the cushions...I''ve yet to be able to do that!

In October, will be the first time I''ve ever lived on a boat. I love sailing and have an eagerness to learn everything that there is to it. As I give away some of my belongings today I feel an excitment for our new life ahead of us. No matter what storms via real life or marital, I''m up for the task of making this work.

Thanks again for your reply and I guess it''d make my husband feel better that he isn''t alone being like he is....shssheeeshshh
 
Discussion starter · #13 ·
In your case just be patient. Watch him and figure out how you would do each task that he does now. For instance he may be bigger and stronger but as long as you are even a little agile you can do the same things your way.

So wait for something to go wrong and then help.

I have to admit that I single hand the boat even with guests on board. The only help I accept is when one particular friend is on board. He owns the same model boat and is really good at sailing as he has been crew on many winning offshore races. Others just get in the way.
 
Discussion starter · #20 ·
Homelessone, I suggest you take as many overnighters and long weekenders together as you possibly can before you commit to cruising together on a long trip.

Do you spend nights with each other now? Is he not respectful of your space? Talking about your need for privacy, even while on the boat, is a priority ... otherwise you might end up throwing him overboard!

P.S. I envy you! A man with a boat. My dream!
 
Discussion starter · #21 ·
Thanks, Jeff, for your thoughtful posts! Too bad they are buried in an area on these boards that men are sure to avoid. LOL

One of these days I hope to sail with a man again. I think I''ve been lucky enough to crew for men who were helpful and WANTED to teach me how to do stuff!

I really enjoy being a first mate. (Any takers in Seattle out there?)

Ummmm, please don''t suggest joining the Seattle Singles Yacht Club. That''s a dangerous place!
 
Discussion starter · #22 ·
Marie Blomqvist --

Your book sounds great! I hope it will be translated into English. Do you think that Swedish men are easier to sail with than American men? I understand that there are fewer attitudes there, and that Swedish men consider their women more equal than American men.
 
Discussion starter · #23 ·
Marie -

I know of a couple of things that can be huge conflicts.

1. Keep the boat clean and well ventilated. This includes keeping the bilge and engine clean and periodically washing all bedding, etc. I have heard of conflicts arising because the boat is just too dirty and smelly. I am a fairly messy person, but I keep my boat spotless. I want my wife to be happy about getting on the boat while we are on the approach and staying on the boat after a week. Believe me, it can get very rank in the cabin if you are not diligent.

2. Another big one is a skipper that does a lot of yelling. This is totally unacceptable because in takes the joy out of sailing. A skipper should stay calm and cool, and not put him/her self into a position where yelling is necessary. If you want your wife to enjoy the boat and stay on the cruise, don''t yell at her!
 
Discussion starter · #24 ·
I know this board has not had a response in months, but, hey, I can''t help it.

For years I served as second crew on delivery yachts until I got enough experience to be first crew. For the most part the captain (my lover) and I had men as first crew. After my 9th or 10th voyage, I realized that many of these men had not had as much offshore experience as even I had. Some poor souls were even seasick for days, if not the entire voyage. In cases like that, I have to admit my maternal instincts took over and i did take over their cooking and maintenance duties if they were that badly sick. (Of course, if anyone had been unable to eat, etc., we would have had them airlifted, but thank God that never happened.) But I noticed discrepancies in basic knowledge as early as my third voyage. I always handled it the same - let the person know that this or that needs to be done, they always did it, whether it was something they needed to do while I attended the helm, or something I needed to do while they attended the helm, or a 2 person project. I never, ever had a problem with men following my directions. If anything was questioned it was in a matter of fact way, and once I explained the task was done. Albeit I never waited until there was an emergency situation that needed immediate attention, but still... (And where would you charter that was so filled with life or death emergencies on such a consistent basis?)

The most trouble I ever encountered was trying to direct a female crewperson. I inveritably got a "Why?" or an "I''ll do it in a minute". While we would get along fantastically during the rest of the voyage, they would always balk at receiving directions or suggestions from me. This I don''t understand, as in the days before the voyage you grow close to the people traveling with you. Even since becoming a skipper (no shame, great pride in that monaker) I found it much harder to work with women than with men. Women always question my judgement, while men (haha) "do what they''re told". I don''t understand some of the experiences on this board, as they seem to have been the exact opposite to mine. But - I have never, ever raised my voice to anyone onboard save once, when I was crew on a yacht going into Cleveland yacht club (for the first time, and after dark) and the skipper was headed straight for the rocks and was involved in a conversation with a guest in the cockpit as I was on the bow trying to give directions. I have to admit I did holler before we hit the rocks, but I think that was excusable.

Best of wind,
MaryBeth
 
Discussion starter · #25 ·
Hi Marie,
I am new on this forum but your topic is what I have been looking for. I am a reluctant wife of a sailor and we are having conflicts over sailing itself. I used to enjoy touring from our port in Slovenia down to the beautiful islands in Croatia. However, I have gotten very bored with the same thing every year for the past 11 that I have been with my husband. He works all year for this tour and I respect his right to do it - but I''m still bored. Not to mention scared to death when we get in certain bad weather situations. Our boat is 33 ft. so I''m guessing that we live in about 20 sq. ft. of space for 4 wks. each yr. I don''t know many couples who could do it. His ex wife (emphasis on ex) didn''t much enjoy the lifestye either so I''m thinking that because he managed to marry 2 women who have tired of sailing that there must me thousands more of us out there. After returning to our port each yr. and finding myself cleaning the boat for 2 days (in ca. 40°C. heat) and packing the car, paying a fortune to do laundry, etc., I always think, "Why can''t we just check out of our hotel and fly home like most humans do after holiday."
Some of the big conflicts on our boat have been solved such as the fact I don''t want to clean, cook or wash dishes on my holiday. I do that the rest of the year. I do pitch in when I feel like it but not often. I also sail the boat when I want but mostly enjoy being a, as previously referred to, boat bimbo. I would like a copy of your book when availabe and I am assuming it will be in English because you are on this forum. How can I get it? Please be sure to address the most important issue I have at the moment which is How to Keep Bikini Area Hair-Free With Limited Supply of Cold Wather? I''m serious!
Bye now,
mary ann
 
Discussion starter · #28 ·
maybe you might be you expect conflict with some men and creat your problum from the tension you give off becouse you are all ready prepairing for conflict their for might invoke it with tension or tone in your voice. but i will also say that their are some men and women that dont like taking orders from the other.
 
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