... I want to put together a pre-sail checklist and also a safety checklist to do a little 5 minute meeting before we go sailing.
O.K., here it is:
Pre-Sail Checklist:
1. Don Greek fisherman's cap, look in mirror, then remove in favor of traditional "scrambled eggs" captain's cap;
2. Don traditional blue blazer over turtleneck sweater;
3. Tie dorky boat shoes whilst singing "It is a Beautiful Day in Neighborhood";
4. Don combination inflatable PFD/safety harness over blue blazer and snap securely onto jackline;
5. Mix very strong dry Martini and hold between pinky and thumb; and,
6. Sound air horn 10 blasts to summon guests to cockpit for safety briefing.
Safety Briefing:
1. Warm up crowd with a few tasteless, off color jokes involving ethnicity and sexual proclivities, while imbibing strong Martini liberally;
2. Climb to cabin top without speaking and dive headfirst into marina water to simulate spontaneous man overboard drill;
3. Laugh hysterically from water while crew scrambles in confusion, proving your point that they are helpless without you onboard;
4. Stab your now inflated PFD with tethered rigging knife and climb transom ladder to finish briefing;
5. Open bag of potato chips, stuff mouth full with chips, mumble incoherently with chips in mouth spewing crumbs everywhere, occasionally offering bag of chips to crew;
6. Excuse yourself to go below decks to mix another strong, dry Martini;
7. Drink second Martini while standing on cabintop, with a knot-tying demonstration;
8. Test fortitude of crew with string of profanity-laced commands from the cabin top, whilst spraying face with aerosol subtan lotion; and,
9. Quickly cast off docklines and start engine before crew leaves.